Abe  Martinis  Almanack 


Abe  Martin's 
Almanack 

By  Kin  Hubbard 


COWTAININO 

Timely  Hints  to  Farmers  and  Young  \VdM«N 
Actual  Facts  About  the  Moon 

ASTROLOOICAL  LORE,  TRUE  EXPLANATION  OF  DrEAMS 

Famous  Political  Speeches 

Rare  Philosophical  Musings  and  Much 

Valuable  Information  Along  Many  Lines  bv 

Such  Notable  Minds  as 

Hon.  Ex-Editor  Cale  Fluhart 

Constable  Newt  Plum  and  His  Son-in-Law, 

Pinky  Kerr,  Tilford  Moots 

Niles  Turner,  Miss  Fawn  Lippincut 

Prof.  Alex  Tansey  and  Doctor  Mopps,  Esq. 

Together  with  Hundreds  of 

Brand  New  Epigrams 

BY  Abe  Martin 


With  Illustrathns  by  the  Author 


Indianapolis 

The  Bobbs-Merrill  Comptujr 

Poblishers 


Copyright  1907  \\%  A 

The  Bobbs-Mcrrill  Company  \  ^  ^ 


November 


To  My  Mother 


M2tm052 


Digitized  by  tine  Internet  Arciiive 

in  2007  witin  funding  from 

IVIicrosoft  Corporation 


littp://www.arcliive.org/details/almanackabeOOIiubbricli 


Thanks  are  due  to 

The  Indianapolis  News  for  permission  to 

republisK  much  of  the  material 

in  this  volume 


ABE  MARTIN  l—dad-bora  his  old  picture  I 
P'tcnds  he's  a  Brown  couaty  fixture — 
A  kind  of  comical  mixture — 

Ot  hoss-scnsc  and  no  sense  at  all  I 

James  Whitcomb  Riley, 


Ahc  Martinis  Almanack 


Abe  Martin's  Almdhd'ck 


Parents  that  name  ther  daughters 
'^Goldie"  will  have  t'  take  th'  conse- 
quences. 


Af)e  Martin's  Almanack 


TO   TUB      j 


When  Elmer  Peters  wuz  killed  at  th' 
saw-mill  Constable  Newt  Plum  wanted  t' 
break  th'  news  gently  t'  his  mother  at 
Greensburg,  so  he  sent  her  a  pustal  card 
in  a  envelope. 

Th'  photergraf  art  has  reached  such 
perfection  that  it's  purty  hard  t'  tell  any- 
buddy  from  ther  pictures  these  days  un- 
less theyVe  got  a  funny  nose  er  whiskers. 


«t 


Th'  price  o'  smokin'  terbacker  remains 
jist  th'  same  in  spite  of  the  unparalleled 
alfalfa  crop. 


January 


1 


2 


iFriUa^ 
3 


g)aturoa^ 
4 


OUR  FATE-THE  ZODIAC 


An  Unusually  Interesting  Presentation  of 
Astrological  Lore  and  a  Careful  and  Intelli- 
gent Analysis  of  the  Gifts  of  Destiny.  Com- 
piled After  Years  and  Years  of  Arduous 
Study  and  Research  by  the  Eminent  Brown 
County,  Indiana,  Astrologist,  Professor 
Alexander  Tansey. 

DECEMBER  21  TO  JANUARY  20 

Sign  of  Capricornas  (the  goat) 

If  you  were  born  during  the  lat- 
ter half  of  December  or  the  ear- 
lier half  of  January  you  took  up 
the  thread  of  life  under  the  influ- 
ence of  the  sign  of  Capricomus,  a 
dry,  dusty  sign  of  the  Zodiac. 

The  proteges  of  Capricomus  are 
cold  propositions,  calculating  and 
exclusive.  They  go  to  the  theater 
alone  and  never  light  a  cigar  if 
they  are  with  anybody.     These 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


•people  come  into  life  with  everything  all  set  and 

I    are  immune  from  the  misery  of  indecision,  never 

I   talking  over  a  minute  with  a  book-vender  or  a  life- 

\insurance  agent.     Their  cautious  feet  convert  the 

very  stumbling  blocks  of   life   into   a  beautifully 

paved  thoroughfare,  whereby  they  may  win  out  all 

the  faster. 

f  These  people  often  seek  distinction  in  the  politi- 

/cal  world,  always  warming  up  with  a  few  drinks 

/  before  they  start  out  to  throw  the  salve  into  the 

7  middle  classes.     The  more  modest  among  them  are 

I    content  with  becoming  bankers,  copper  kings  and 

\  traction  magnates.     So  cautious  are  the  Capricornus 

\heirs  that  when  they  set  out  to  land  something  they 

^Imost  appear  to  stand  still. 

Naturally  the  women  of  this  sign  inherit  a  ten- 
derer impulse  than  the  men,  but  even  they  are  never 
popular  at  school.  In  womanhood  they  stand 
coldly  aloof  and  are  thoroughly  despised  by  clerks, 
dressmakers  and  street-car  conductors, 


January 


TO    EXTERMINATE   ROACHES 

Procure  a  box  of  roach  powder  from  the  nearest 
drug  store,  being  careful  to  have  the  druggist  guar- 
antee it.  Scatter  the  powder  freely  in  the  crevices 
about  the  sink  and  pantry,  repeating  the  dose  each 
day  until  the  powder  is  all  gone.  In  a  few  days 
the  roaches  will  arrive  at  the  conclusion  that  you 
are  not  going  to  buy  any  more  and  will  desert  the 
premises. 


5 


6 


7 


8 


tD:^ur0Da^ 
9 


iFriDai? 

10 


^aturoa^ 
11 


IN  THE  LITERARY  WORLD 

Miss  Germ  Williams — "I  seen 
where  th'  author  of  'Her  First 
Lemon'  has  been  accused  of  pla- 
giarism." 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut — "Isn't  it 
strange  that  a  person  endowed 
with  such  literary  instinct  would 
burn  a  buildin'  ?" 


■  \ 

Born — To  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Ike 
Sanders,  Jonesville,  Idaho,  a  child, 
January  10,  1907. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Th'  woman  that  tries  t'  keep  up  with 
th'  procession  don't  see  near  as  much  as 
her  husband  who  stands  on  th'  curb. 


Never  feed  a  pup  raw  beefsteak  if  you 
have  a  family  dependent  on  you. 

Ole  Niles  Turner  says  it  begins  t'  look 
like  th'  Union  wuz  perserved  jist  so  base- 
ball players  could  go  South  to  gractise. 


January 


HINTS  TO  FARMERS 

A  farmer  may  cleanse  his  finger  nails  with  perox-] 
ide  of  hydrogen  with  an  orange-wood  stick  and 
then  apply  ground  pumice  stone  to  make  them  look 
foxy.    Ten  times  each  day  is  often  enough. 

Wild-animal  dealers  quote  trained  seals  at  $2,750. 
Next  to  a  piano  there  is  nothing  so  essential  to  a 
well-regulated  farm. 


12 


13 


14 


15 


tlTl^urfifna^ 

16 


iFritia^ 
17 


^aturua^ 
18 


January   14,    1907— Czar's  life 
attempted. 


Citizen — "Hey,  Officer,  send  for 
the  ambulance !  This  man  has  been 
hit  by  an  auto." 

Stranger — "Man,  h— 1!    I'm 
prominent  Indiana  democrat." 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Th'  Governor  o'  Wyoming  is  th'  latest 
recruit  t'  th'  Peruna  beauty  contest. 

ft 

Th'  editors  o'  th'  Chicago  Sunday  pa- 
pers seem  t'  know  everything. 


It's  purty  hard  t'  underpay  a  city  of- 
ficial. 

fi 

General  Sherman  evidently  didn't 
know  nothin'  'bout  th'  selectin'  o'  wall- 
paper when  he  made  his  famous  remark. 

91 

/  Th'  handcuff  king  that  give  an  exhibi- 
[  tion  at  Melodeon  hall  last  night  used  t' 
I    be  a  private  banker. 

"^  91 

In  these  days  when  folks  come  a  strag- 
glin'  in  th'  the-ater  at  all  hours  it's  purty 
hard  t'  git  your  money's  worth  unless  you 
play  in  the  orchestra. 


January 


SOME  FACTS  ABOUT  THE  MOON 

The  moon's  motion  on  her  axis,  unlike  the  elec- 
tric-light plant  in  a  small  town,  is  entirely  uniform. 
Her  angular  velocity  in  her  orbit,  like  a  vaudeville 
program,  is  subject  to  slight  change.     The  moon's 
surface  contains  about  14,685,000  square  miles  of 
good  brick  land,  but  no  atmosphere  and  no  water. 
A  profound  silence  reigns  over  the  desolate  clay  sur- 
face sustaining  the  old  theory  that  no  women  abide 
there.    A  great  many  people  plant  garden  seeds  by '  \ 
the  moon,  and,   in  some  instances,   farmers  have     \ 
plowed  by  the  moon  in  order  to  get  off  the  follow-     J 
ing  day  to  attend  the  circus.     Crocheting  by  moon-  ^ 
light  is  extremely  injurious  to  the  eyes.    There  will    ) 
be  an  eclipse  of  the  moon  at  Shelby ville,  Ind.,  May  J 
10,  1908.  -^ 


19 


£pont)a^ 
20 


21 


22 


23 


Mm 

24 


g>atttrua^ 
25 


PROF.  ALEX  TANSEY  IN 
HIS  STUDY 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Constable  Newt  Plum  reads  th'  Thaw 
trial  out  loud  at  th'  blacksmith  shop 
in  th'  mornin',  an'  in  th'  afternoon  th' 
woman's  club  gits  th'  paper. 

S8 

Dock  Mopps  says  that  Ole  Ez  Pash 
lies  like  a  feller  with  a  family  horse  t' 
sell. 

When  anybuddy  speaks  of  th'  little 
town  they  came  from  they  alius  ring  in  th' 
city  neerdest  t'  it. 

Marry  in  haste  an' —git  a  job  travelin' 
on  th'  road. 

IS 

"A  dollar  saved  is  a  dollar  made"  is  an 
ole  sayin',  but  who  wants  t'  do  without 
meat  all  th' time? 

IS 

Ez  Pash  says  he  run  th'  first  ingine 
over  th'  ole  underground,  railroad  be- 
tween Xenia,  Ohio,  an'  Paducah,  Ky. 


January 


Th'  married  man  that  sets  'em  up  is 
spendin'  his  wife's  wages. 


IS 


John  and  Ida  got  married 
And  lived  in  Idaho  forlorn, 

John  hung  around  the  billiard  hall 
And  let  Idaho  the  corn. 

-—Old  Song, 


26 


27 


28 


^ftjnr0Da^ 
29 


tETijursfDa^ 

30 


iftiDa^ 
31 


January  27 — Septuagesima  Sun- 
day— whatever  that  may  be. 


January   30,    1649 — Charles   I 
lost  his  head. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Ex-Editor  Cale  Fluhart  has  discovered 
another  kind  o'  undesirable  citizen — th' 
feller  that  eats  soup  like  a  walrus. 


It  wuz  thought  fer  a  while  Sunday  that 
th'  pustoffice  wuz  burnin'  up,  but  it 
proved  t'  be  a  grocery  se-gar. 

Young  Lafe  Bud  has  a  great  eye  fer 
distances.  He  says  he  hasn't  missed  a  cus- 
pidor fer  nine  years. 

/^  Th'  plug  fell  out  o'  th'  watcrin'-trough 
/  on  th'  public  square  Saturday  causin' 
I    much  damage  in  th'  business  district 


February 


1 


JANUARY  20  TO  FEBRUARY  19 

Sign  of  Aquarius  (the  Water  Bearer) 

The  Romans  got  together  and 
dedicated  the  first  month  of  the 
year  to  Janus,  the  two-faced   god. 
There    was    some    dissatisfaction 
over  the  dedication,  but  it  was  al- 
lowed to  stand.   Persons  born  dur-  \ 
ing  the  latter  half  of  this  month  \ 
or  the  first  half  of  the  next  start    ; 
out  handicapped  by  the  influence 
of  Aquarius,  and  in  innumerable 
instances  have  become  piano  tun- 
ers.    Mozart  and  Mendelssohn  be- 
longed to  this  sign.    Prof.   Clem 
Harner  is  now  a  member.    Such    : 
men  attain  much,  but  seldom  real- 
ize the  fulfilment  of  all  their  de-   , 
sires  because  they  are  disposed  to  / 
fiddle  around  and  discuss  the  Pan- 
ama Canal.     An  heir  of  Aquarius  : 
finds  it  much  easier  to  order  a  blue 
serge  suit  than  to  pay  for  it.   Like 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


a  turtle,  he  is  impelled  to  retire  within  himself 
through  his  own  sensitive  nature  when  asked  to 
pay  a  bill.  Their  swift  soaring  fancy  often  ends  in 
their  marrying  persons  of  less  sympathetic  planets 
with  disastrous  results,  the  wife  in  almost  every  in- 
stance being  allowed  the  custody  of  the  children  and 
the  old  home  on  Chestnut  street. 


February 


Th'  feller  that  belittles  his  "wife  in  com- 
pany is  only  tryin'  t'  pull  her  down  t'  his 
own  size. 


16 


Another  bad  thing  about  "prosperity^* 
is  that  you  can't  jingle  any  money  without 
bein'  under  suspicion. 


2 


3 


QTutstsa^ 

4 


5 


tlTljursftia^ 
6 


jprit^a^ 

7 


8 


February  2,    1907- 
attempted. 


-Czar's  life 


A  BAD  OMEN 

It  is  a  bad  omen  to  get  mixed 
up  in  a  stuffy  jam  with  a  stout 
lady  wearing  goat  furs. 


Walter  Wellman  may  make  a 
'dash  for  the  Pole  any  day  now. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


/^  What  has  become  o'  th'  ole  fashioned 
^    family  doctor  with  th'  long  whiskers,  that 
alius  wanted  t'  be  cuttin'  somebuddy's  leg 
off? 


Tell  Binklcy,  cashier  o'  th'  Bean  Blos- 
som Trust  Company  has  skipped  out  after 
wreckin'  th'  concern  t'  th'  last  penny.  He 
wuz  verj  popular  an'  had  been  investin' 
heavily  m  tourin' car  repairs. 


February 


SOME  HOMELY  SUGGESTIONS 
Never  crack  walnuts  with  a  gold  tooth. 

When  a  skirt  can  not  be  packed  full  length  in  a 
trunk,  gently  fold  one  end  of  it. 

Never  wear  old  underwear  while  traveling.  You 
might  get  cut  up  in  a  wreck. 

To  improve  the  appearance  of  clothes-posts,  paint 
them  green  and  train  nasturtiums  around  them,  be- 
ing careful  to  pull  the  clothes  as  they  begin  to  turn 
and  allow  them  to  ripen  in  the  sun. 

In  using  a  carpet-sweeper  with  one  hand  and 
carrying  the  baby  with  the  other  it  will  be  found 
very  difficult  to  reach  a  hair-pin  back  of  the  piano. 

It  is  not  proper  to  eat  soup  so  you  can  notice  it. 


9 


10 


11 


12 


13 


iFriUa^ 
14 


^aturDa^ 
15 


PROBABLY  NOT 

There  is  nothing  so  aggravating 
as  a  fresh  boy  that  is  too  old  to  ig- 
nore or  too  young  to  kick. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Th'  first  thing  a  young  woman  should 
learn  after  she  gits  married  is  how  t'  tell 
a  Ben  Davis  apple  from  th'  genuine. 


Miss  Germ  Williams  has  an  uncle 
buried  under  a  tourin'  car. 

You  never  know  how  many  comical 
fellers  live  in  your  town  till  you  walk 
thro'  th'  street  with  a  new  hoe  on  your 
shoulder. 

Dr.  Knapp,  o'  Berlin,  Germany,  has 
discovered  a  cure  fer  red  noses,  but  then 
a  feller  that  boozes  wouldn't  waste  money 
on  an  ocean  trip. 

16 

It  don't  cost  half  as  much  t'  live  if  you 
don't  go  down  town  after  supper. 


February 


SOME  HOMELY  SUGGESTIONS 

The  father  of  a  bride-to-be  should  consider  him- 
self lucky  if  he  has  clothes  enough  to  appear  on  the 
veranda. 

Olives  should  be  picked  up  with  the  thumb  and 
index  finger. 

When  eating  spaghetti  the  head  should  hang  well 
over  the  plate. 


16 


17 


tiruefi!tia^ 

18 


19 


20 


21 


^aturDa^ 
22 


JUST  EXACTLY 

Enlisting  in  the  United  States 
navy  to  see  the  world  is  like  going 
to  the  workhouse  to  l«arn  broom- 
making. 


February  22,  1732— George 
Washington  was  born.  The  old 
fellow  wouldn't  be  in  it  to-day. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Pinky  Kerr  hez  a  new  inner-seal  cap 
an'  you  can't  tell  it  from  th'  real  thing. 

If  a  feller  screwed  up  his  face  when  he 
asked  fer  credit  like  he  does  when  he's 
asked  t'  settle,  he  wouldn't  git  it. 

No  servant  girl  ever  gits  so  well  situ- 
ated that  she  quits  readin'  th'  "Help 
Wanted"  column. 

X  Givin'  half  th'  road  t'  an  ortomobile  is 
/  th'  hardest  thing  a  farmer  does  next  t' 
f      plowin'. 

When  th'  temperature  drops  lo  degrees 
below  zero  th'  ice  man  ought  t'  put  up  er 
shut  up. 


February 


Jist  t'  show  you  how  some  fellers'  minds 
run,  young  Lafe  Bud  has  got  back  from  a 
pleasure  trip  through  th'  Northwest,  an.' 
he  says  th'  Iowa  corn  crop  is  a  disappoint- 
ment. 


«tt 


Distant  relatives  er  th'  best  kind,  an'  th' 
further  th'  better. 


23 


24 


25 


^eijne0i5a^ 
26 


®l)ur0Da^ 
27 


iFritia^ 
28 


g)atttrDa^ 

29 


MUNICIPAL"  OWNERSHIP  K 
FAILURE 

After  the  City  Council  of 
Barnesville,  Ore.,  has  tried  for  two 
years  to  keep  a  tin  cup  on  the  town 
pump  it  has  finally  given  it  up  and 
has  plugged  the  well. 

In  Indiana  it  is  considered  good 
luck  if,  while  riding  on  an  interur- 
ban  car,  a  white-headed  boy  with  a 
box  of  rabbits  shares  your  seat. 

HINTS  TO  FARMERS 

After  a  farmer's  wife  cuts  his 
hair  she  should  always  scald  the 
crock  before  putting  it  back  in  the 
milk-house. 

If  you  have  buggy  harness,  use 
insect  powder.  ^""^ 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Tllford  Moots'  youngest  boy  has  lost 
five  glass  eyes  since  th'  marble  season  be- 
gun. 

[A!  feller  feels  simple  when  he's  gittin' 
his  photergraf  took  an'  th'  result  gener- 
ally shows  it. 

Miss  Tawney  Apple  has  a  new  forty- 
nine-cent  east  aisle  hat. 

You  never  see  no  safety  razors  at  a 
Hance. 

f« 

Prof.  Alex  Tansey  Has  given  th'  medi- 
cal world  a  jolt  by  declarin'  that  a  wig 
grows  after  death. 

What  has  become  o'  th'  old-fashioned 
wife  that  used  t'  think  it  wuz  wrong  t' 
neglect  her  household  work? 


March 


1 


2 


3 


^eune^tiai? 

4 


tET^urstia^ 
5 


iFriUa^ 
6 


§)BCurtia^ 

7 


FEBRUARY  19  TO  MARCH  20 

The  Sign  of  Piscea  (the  Fishes) 

The  Romans  made  the  second 
month  of  the  year  sacred  to  Nep- 
tune, a  sea-god  who  was  very  fond 
of  water — afterward.  People  born 
during  the  latter  half  of  February 
or  the  early  half  of  March  enter 
life  under  the  immediate  supervi- 
sion of  Pisces,  a  sort  of  watery 
sign  that  indicates  a  disposition  to 
own  and  operate  a  milk  route,  serv- 
ing their  customers  at  three  or  four 
o'clock  in  the  morning  and  awak- 
ening everybody  in  the  flat. 

While  not  in  the  dairy  business 
Darwin,  Hugo  and  Chopin  hap- 
pened in  under  this  sign.  Though 
the  natural  inclination  of  the 
Pisces-born  is  toward  the  milk 
business,  should  their  paths  lie  in 
less  pleasant  places,  they  may 
achieve  a  certain  amount  of  succesi 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


in  the  profession  of  the  law.  But  they  will  be  many 
times  hungry  and  discouraged  before  they  can  hook 
j/^p  to  any  coin.  The  women  of  this  sign  delight  in 
>'  Spring's  first  tender  greens  and  the  pale,  faint 
flushes  of  waking  day.  In  all  probability  it  was  of 
such  women  that  Cale  Fluhart  was  thinking  when 
he  penned  the  beautiful  lines : 

She  stood  beside  the  depot  door, 
She  was  waiting  with  the  rest. 
The  June  sun  played  upon  her  nose. 
Sweet  emotions  filled  her  chest. 


vj 


Having  once  overcome  their  inborn  desire  to 
hang  around  the  depot  when  the  trains  come  in, 
these  women  take  readily  to  general  housework  and 
become  ideal  wives  and  neighbors.  The  proteges  of 
Pisces  are  advised  to  conduct  their  affairs  with  as 
little  agitation  as  possible,  never  quarreling  over  a 
gas  bill  or  arguing  with  paper-hangers. 


March 


8 


GENERAL  OUTLOOK  FOR   1908 

By  Prof.  Alex  Tansey 

The  year  1908  comprises  the  latter  part  of  the 
132nd  and  the  beginning  of  the  133rd  year  of  Amer- 
ican Independence,  a  fact  almost  lost  sight  of.  The 
first  day  of  January,  1908,  is  the  2,417,578th  day 
since  the  beginning  of  the  Julian  Period. 

During  the  year  1908,  as  heretofore,  there  will  be 
several  eclipses  of  the  sun  and  the  same  number  of 
eclipses  of  the  moon.  Some  will  be  visible  only  in 
Asia,  while  others  can  be  seen  from  any  seat  in  the 
house.  Except  in  rare  instances,  chronological  eras 
and  cycles  will  remain  unchanged. 

The  winter  of  1908  will  be  marked  by  violent 
snowstorms  in  some  sections  and  rain  and  sleet  in 
others.  Through  the  literary  belt 
of  Indiana  there  will  be  the  tough- 
est sledding  known  in  years.  An 
unusually  large  batch  of  "number 
two"  companies  playing  New  York 
successes  will  invade  the  smaller 
cities  of  the  Middle  West  with  a 
scale  of  prices  ranging  from  thirty- 
five  cents  to  two  dollars.  These 
counterfeits  may  be  detected  by 
the  yellow  date  bill  posted  across 
the  original  star's  name.  Vaude- 
ville will  remain  as  popular  as 
ever,  and  you  will  laugh  at  Bryant 
and  Saville  just  as  hard  as  you  did 
fifty  years  ago.  Every  indication 
points  to  another  successful  season 
of  melodrama,  and,  "The  mar- 
riage was  not  a  happy  one.  A 
separation  soon  followed.  The 
wife  went  to  London,  where,  save 
for  a  small  annuity  settled  upon 
her  by  a  great-aunt,  she  would 
have  died  penniless  in  the  streets, 


9 


10 


11 


12 


Mm 

13 


14 


] 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


etc.,  etc.,"  will  play  havoc  with  the  emotions  as  of 
\old. 
*  The  winter  of  1908  will  be  particularly  hard  on 
those  of  us  who  bought  meat  and  other  necessities 
the  preceding  summer  and  fall.  The  summer  sea- 
son will  be  pretty  much  the  same  old  thine,  except 
the  strawberry  boxes  will  be  smaller  and/two  na- 
tional political  conventions  will  be  held.  The 
'  Democratic  platform  will  contain  the  party's  time- 
honored  appeal  to  the  intelligence  of  the  people, 
while  the  Republican  platform  will  dwell  at  great 
length  on  our  unparalleled  prosperity  and  take  the 
credit  for  the  blue  skies,  bounteous  crops  and  wise 

\       foreign  policy. 

^— "^  The  same  splendid  scale  of  wages  for  circus  mu- 
sicians that  has  prevailed  in  the  past  will  continue : 
plain,  twenty  dollars  per  month ;  fancy,  thirty  dol- 
lars per  month — the  players  assxmiing  all  risk  and 
eating  on  the  lot. 

The  summer  of  1908  will  last  far  into  Septem- 
ber, with  a  little  dash  of  jacket  weather  here  and 
there  in  August.  A  slight  decrease  in  the  price  of 
bacon  is  promised  for  November,  but  at  that  the 
cost  of  living  will  still  be  several  blocks  ahead  of 
salaries  and  wages.  From  time  to  time  during  the 
month  of  December  the  newspapers  will  publish 
most  valuable  suggestions  to  Christmas  shoppers. 

Blue  serge  for  men's  suitings  will  hold  its  own 
as  in  former  years,  the  trousers  being  cut  thirty-six 
at  the  hips  and  fifteen  at  the  bottoms,  with  both 
side  and  back  pockets.  Many  new  creations  for 
women's  apparel  will  distinguish  the  year  of  1908, 
and  you  will  probably  see  more  of  them  than  in  any 
preceding  year. 

Taking  it  all  in  all,  the  year  of  1908  will  be  a 
hununer  in  lots  of  respects,  and  you  will  have  to 
scheme  around  and  hustle  harder  than  ever  to  make 
any  kind  of  a  showing  at  all. 


March 


HINTS  TO  FARMERS 

In  selecting  fruit-trees  be  careful  to  note  the  per- 
sonal appearance  of  the  agent.  If  he  wears  a  cellu- 
loid collar  and  sea  bean  cufE-buttons  tell  him  you 
don't  wish  any  to-day. 

Never  pick  apples  with  a  croquet  mallet. 


15 


16 


17 


18 


t!ri)ur0Da^ 
19 


iFriDa^ 
20 


^aturDa^ 
21 


March  15,   1907 — Circuses  ad- 
vertise for  sober  calliope  players. 


Shamrock — A  cement  block. 


Spring  begins  at  1  p.  m.  to-day. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Th'  feller  that's  alius  quotin'  his  wife 
is  generally  bald-headed. 

$6 

Th'  feller  that  brags  'bout  how  cheap 
he  heats  his  home  alius  sees  th'  first  robin. 


Constable  Newt  Plum  says  a  straight 
life  is  th'  best  policy  after  all. 


b 


A  baled  hay  company  has  leased  Melo- 
deon  hall  fer  th'  balance  o'  th'  season. 


16 


Everything  seems  t'  be  goin'  up  these 
days  except  self-reducin'  corsets. 

/'  You  can't  buy  nothin'  in  Noblesville, 
/  Indianny,  on  th'  Sabbath  but  Sunday 
I  newspapers  an'  ther  hain't  nothin'  in  them 
\  after  you  blow  th'  froth  off, 

/Now  that  weVc  got  th'  Standard  Oil 
/  Company  on  th'  run  Uncle  Sam  ought  t' 
j  git  after  th'  baby  food  concerns  that  send 
I  circulars  through  th'  mails  t'  scare 
Vmother§, 


March 


MORE  HINTS  TO  FARMERS 

Any  Republican  will  tell  you  that  the  tariff  on 
wool  makes  wool  higher  and  woolen  clothes 
cheaper. 

When  you  go  to  a  circus  never  take  any  paper 
money  with  you. 

To  cure  a  fresh  cow  utterly  ignore  her  and  don't 
laugh  at  anything  she  says. 

After  working  hard  the  year  round  it  is  perfectly 
proper  for  the  farmer  to  go  to  the  theater. 


) 


^ttttUa^ 

22 

March  22,  1907— Czar's  life  at- 
tempted. 

^onoa^ 

23 

tE^uesftja^ 
24 

25 

March,  1869— Brand  Whitlock, 
Mayor  of  Toledo,  Ohio,  born  at 
Urbana,  Ohio, 

tD^tjursitJa^ 
26 

ifriDa^ 
27 

^aturtia^ 
28 

Walter  Wellman  will  probably 
make  a  dash  for  the  Pole  during 
this  month. 

Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Tipton  Bud  has  only  got  one  more 
lodge  t'  join  before  he  runs  fer  County 
Clerk. 


Times  er  so  good  that  itll  be  purty 
hard  f  git  anybuddy  t'  lay  off  long 
enough  t'  run  fer  president  on  th'  Dim- 
mycratic  ticket. 


March 


MORE  HINTS  TO  FARMERS 


There  is  nothing  much  to  be  said  in  favor  of  late  "x 
plowing.     Eminent  authorities  say  that  under  no       \ 
circumstances  should  a  farmer  plow  later  than  10        ) 
o'clock.     It  keeps  the  horses  up  late  and  the  deyf^/ 
rusts  the  plow. 

Be  very  careful  about  currying  favor  with  a 
mule. 

A  farmer  should  never  pay  less  than  $7  for  a 
plug  hat. 

When  drilling  for  wheat  a  farmer  should  see  to 
it  that  his  horses  stand  erect,  keep  perfect  step  and 
are  provided  with  both  right  and  left  flanks. 


29 


30 


31 


A  farmer  should  never  keep  any 
ink  about  the  house.  Only  recently 
a  farmer  near  Roundhead,  Ohio, 
signed  away  the  earnings  of  a  life- 
time by  one  stroke  of  the  pen. 

The  farmer  is  the  most  inde- 
pendent man  in  the  world.  He 
has  all  the  work  he  can  do  and  is 
never  troubled  with  having  to  set 
a  price  on  anything  he  raises.  He 
can  farm  in  any  position.  If  he 
tires  of  plowing  he  can  sit  down 
in  a  rocking  chair  and  husk  corn. 

If  a  farmer  boy  shows  a  dispo- 
sition to  run  away  and  join  the' 
regular  army  give  him  a  quarter  to 
spend  occasionally, 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


I  should  think  that  one  o'  th'  worst 
features  o'  sudden  adversity  would  be  git- 
tin'  used  t'  five-cent  segars. 

Th'  higher  some  fellers  cocks  their  feet 
th'  less  they  amount  t'. 

/  Ther  wuz  quite  a  discussion  down  at  th' 
blacksmith  shop  this  mornin'  'bout  th' 
price  o'  lobsters.  Tipton  Bud  said:  "I 
bought  one  once  under  Cleveland  fer 
thirty  cents  but  I  don't  know  what  ther 
gittin'  fer  'em  now." 


A'  undesirable  citizen  is  a  feller  that 
raises  chickens  in  town. 


April 


1 


2 


iFritia^ 

3 


§)aturDa^ 

4 


-s»=«'«5€^ 


MARCH  20  TO  APRIL  19 

Sign  of  Aries  (the  Ram) 

■A  tailor  is  not  a  tailor  who 
kicks  when  an  alteration  is  to  be 
made.  — James  DeWolf, 

The  Romans  dedicated  the  blus- 
tering month  of  March  to  Mars, 
decorating  their  business  houses 
and  homes  in  his  honor  on  the  first 
day. 

People  born  during  the  latter 
half  of  this  month  or  the  earlier 
half  of  the  next  begin  lifers  weary 
struggle  under  the  influence  of  the 
fiery  sign  of  Aries,  indicating  an 
overbearing  nature  and  a  fast  ca- 
reer. These  people  make  their 
grand  entry  with  a  noodle  full  of 
fife  and  drum  music  that  forces 
them  forward  to  conquer  or  get  a 
good  beating.  Once  mastering  in- 
decision they  will  bite  the  hand 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


that  feeds  them  rather  than  lose  out  on  something 
they  are  after,  often  marching  to  success  over  their 
own  dead  bodies.  They  are  wonderfully  generous  to 
themselves  and  have  five  or  six  suits  of  clothes  and 
no  end  of  neckties.  The  w^omen  of  this  sign  have  a 
positive  genius  for  burning  money  and  not  listening 
to  reason.  Any  attempt  at  coercion  and  they  will 
go  straight  back  to  their  mothers  and  take  the  chil- 
dren. The  men  take  readily  to  politics  and  often 
become  poll-book  holders.  Henry  Clay,  Bismarck 
and  Shakespeare  belonged  to  this  sign,  but  only 
showed  up  occasionally  when  there  was  an  initia- 
tion. 

The  Aries  born  thrive  in  the  southern  part  of  the 
United  States  and  China,  and  will  have  frequent  re- 
course to  courts  of  justice.  They  waste  little  time 
repining  over  unrequited  love,  and,  as  some  towns 
do  not  have  a  Sunday  closing  ordinance,  so  some 
Aries  love  affairs  reach  a  happy  consummation.  The 
flower  of  this  storm-tossed,  skirt-blowing  month  is 
the  Amaryllis,  signifying  a  stuck-up  disposition  and 
loud  hosiery. 


April 


A   FEW   MORE   HINTS   TO    FARMERS 

To  be  a  successful  farmer  it  is  by  no  means  nec- 
essary to  cultivate  a  big  crop  of  troublesome  whis- 
kers. It  was  shown  recently  in  an  article  in  "Farm 
Life  in  the  Middle  West"  that  some  of  our  most 
prominent  agriculturists  are  smooth-faced,  while 
others  have  just  the  faintest  suggestion  of  a  mus- 
tache. 

In  operating  a  corn  shredder  a  farmer  should 
caution  his  wife  against  getting  her  apron  caught 
in  the  machinery  while  he  is  in  town  playing  pool. 


N 


5 


6 


7 


^etine0Ua^ 
8 


9 


iFriUa^ 

10 


&aturDa^ 
11 


GREENS 

Speaking  of   dandelion  greens, 
the  poet  says : 

Dear  common  flower,  that  grow'st 

beside  the  way, 
Fringing  the  dusty  road  with 

harmless  gold. 
First  pledge  of  blithesome  May. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Pinky  Kerr  says  he  seen  a  Pittsburg 
girl  once  an'  she  wuz  undershot  from 
blowin'  sut  off  her  nose. 


Where  ignorance  is  bliss  it's  foolish  to 
borrow  your  neighbor's  newspaper. 


April 


ANOTHER  HINT  TO  FARMERS 

A  farmer  should  never  wear  celluloid  cuffs  while 
playing  croquet.  The  rattle  confuses  the  other 
players. 


12 


13 


14 


15 


ttrijurflftia^ 

16 


iFriJJa^ 
17 

^aturua^ 

18 


It  is  said  by  those  in  a  position 
to  know  that  Walter  Wellman's 
dash  for  the  Pole  will  occur  the 
latter  part  of  this  month. 


April  17,  1907—Czar's  life  at- 
tempted. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

A  paper-hanger  will  promise  anything. 

St 

Next  t'  a  sound  Dimmycrat  th'  most 
scarce  thing  is  grass  in  front  of  a  cheap 
flat. 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  went  out  t'  play 
cards  t'day  an'  win  a  little  bric-a-brac  fer 
th'  house. 

S« 

No  family  is  ever  so  poor  that  they 
don't  have  a  couple  o'  crayon  portraits 
hangin'  in  the  parlor — Paw  and  Maw. 


No  one  kin  possibly  have  any  idea  how 
really  good  times  er  in  this  country  till 
they  try  t'  build  a  four-room  house. 


April 


BIOGRAPHY  OF  CALE  FLUHART 

Ex-Editor  Cale  Fluhart 

Ex-Editor  Cale  Fluhart 

was  stolen  by  the  Indians 

just     out     of     Haverhill, 

Mass.,  many  years  ago  at 

the  age  of  four.  He  after- 
wards escaped  and  wan- 
dered through  the  unbroken 

wilderness  to  the  home  of 

his   parents    at    Lafayette, 

Ind.  After  graduating  from 

Purdue  University  he  went 

to  Pickreltown,  Ohio,  then 

a    small    village,    and 

launched  The  Pilots  a  vig- 
orous publication  for  ''the  plain 
people,"  and  his  fame  as  a  fearless 
and  forcible  writer  spread  rapidly, 
not  only  through  Logan  County, 
but  as  far  east  as  Larue.  Mr.  Flu- 
hart had  much  to  do  with  the  devel- 
opment of  the  Madriver  Valley  and 
the  establishment  of  a  post-office 
at  West  Liberty.  During  the  mem- 
orable campaign  of  '76  Editor 
Fluhart' s  scorching  editorials  were 
read  and  re-read  by  dozens  of  the 
most  prominent  farmers,  whose 
productive  bottom-land  acres 
stretched  from  Slaty  Hollow  to 
the  McKee's  Creek  Church.  Dur- 
ing the  strenuous  days  that  fol- 
lowed the  counting  out  of  Tilden 
The  Pilot  fairly  sizzled  with  hot 
stuff.  One  cold,  dark  night  Editor 
Fluhart  slipped  out  of  his  home 
and  started  by  a  circuitous  route  to 
the  grocery  to  get  a  can  of  cove 


19 


20 


tEttr0tia^ 
21 


22 


tErt)ttr0Da^ 
23 


Mm 

24 


gjaturua^ 

25 


oysters,  when  some  assassin  fired 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


from  ambush  and  forever  stilled  his  pencil  hand 
with  a  volley  of  buckshot.  That  discouraging  epi- 
sode in  the  life  of  Mr.  Fluhart  ruined  his  ambition 
and  squashed  his  brilliant  career. 

Having  outlived  his  usefulness  by  more  than  a 
score  of  years  Mr.   Fluhart  is  still  keenly  alert, 


^^^^'zs-^^ 


watching  events  with  all  the  interest  of  a  man  in 
his  prime.  He  is  a  daily  visitor  at  the  barber  shop, 
and  revels  among  the  newspapers  and  magazines, 
his  journalistic  instinct  never  deserting  him. 


April 


MORNING  AND   EVENING  STARS,   1908 

Mercury  will  be  Evening  Star  about  March  1, 
June  27  and  October  23;  and  Morning  Star  about 
April  14,  August  12  and  December  1. 

Venus  will  be  Morning  Star  till  September  14; 
then  Evening  Star  the  rest  of  the  year. 

Jupiter  will  be  Evening  Star  till  July  16;  then 
Morning  Star  the  rest  of  the  year.  Subject  to 
change. 


26 


27 


28 


29 


tB^tittrgiia^ 

30 


Walter  Wellman  has  received 
advices  from  the  Pole  requesting 
him  to  defer  his  dash  on  account 
of  an  ice-makers'  convention  fill- 
ing all  the  hotels.  This  month 
will  probably  see  him  off. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Mushyroons  er  purty  scarce  this  year, 
but  th'  cool,  bracin'  weather  only  seems  t* 
stimulate  th'  liars. 


Ex-Editor  Cale  Fluhart  seen  a  blue 
racer  on  th'  ole  Pash  place  yisterday  but 
he  didn'  have  no  tape  measure  with  him 
so  he  didn'  kill  it. 

Buildin'  material,  clothin',  bacon, 
/  radishes,  onions — a  few  more  warm  days 
/     an'  everything  will  be  up. 

Th'  more  insignificant  a  feller  is  th' 
bigger  th'  pipe  he  smokes. 


May 


1 


2 


APRIL  19  TO  MAY  20 

Sign  of  Taorua  (tho  Ball) 

The  Romans  dedicated  the  month 
of  April  to  the  bright  planet, 
Venus,  holding  the  twenty-third 
day  sacred  to  her  honor.  People 
born  between  the  dates  of  April  19 
and  May  20,  inclusive,  enter  life 
under  the  guidance  of  Taurus,  a 
strong,  husky  sign  bequeathing  to 
its  proteges  all  the  sterling  attri- 
butes a  newspaper  hands  to  a 
prominent  citizen  after  he  is  dead 
— if  he  has  been  a  subscriber. 

These  people  are  the  squatty, 
snarled  apple-trees  of  society. 
They  assume  Life's  heritage  at  a 
time  when  Tennessee  strawberries 
and  long,  bright  green,  tasteless 
cucimibers  invade  the  markets,  and 
Nature,  tired  of  her  mantle  of 
snow  and  ice,  warms  up  to  the  sit- 
uation. The  heirs  of  Taurus  have 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


self-reliance  and  buoyancy  of  spirit,  and  frequently 
reach  high  places — such  positions  as  postmaster  and 
constable.  They  are  seldom  talkative  and  are  fond 
of  canned  corn.  Especially  is  this  true  of  the  men 
who  marry  Taurus  women,  for  it  matters  not  how 
much  money  he  owes,  you  can  never  tell  it  by  look- 
ing at  his  wife.  As  long  as  he  can  get  credit,  her 
faithful  feet  will  follow.  Hers  is  the  devotion  of 
Clytie,  who  lived  just  out  of  Upper  Sandusky, 
Ohio,  and  became  enamored  of  Helios,  a  pianola 
salesman  of  good  address,  and  followed  him  to 
Niles,  Ohio,  where  he  died  as  he  had  lived — a  profli- 
gate. 

,'•  Taurus  people  inherit  an  excellent  physique  that 
endures  many  years.  A  well-known  and  popular 
Taurus  woman  is  to-day  traveling  with  a  burlesque 

^company,  posing  in  Rock  of  Ages  at  the  age  of  79. 

^^hen  Fate  directs  them  toward  Italy,  Sicily,  North- 
ern Spain  or  Louisville,  Kentucky,  they  lose  their 
buoyancy. 


May 


THE  ORIGIN  OF  MAY  MOVING 


3 


4 


The  now  almost  universal  custom  of  moving  on 
the  first  day  of  May  was  first  noticeable  at  Fremont, 
Ohio,  on  May  first,  1822,  and 
spread  rapidly  east  and  then  south 
along  what  is  known  as  the  Cin- 
cinnati range  of  hills.  It  is  due 
principally  to  our  restless  Amer- 
ican spirit  and  poor  janitor  serv- 
ice. It  is  getting  to  be  a  popular 
fad  among  flat  owners  to  insist  on 
tenants  signing  leases.  People  have 
been  known  to  live  in  the  same  flat 
one  year,  thinking  that  a  lease 
held  them.  If  a  tenant  owes  seven 
or  eight  months*  rent  and  desires 
to  move  into  a  more  select  neigh- 
borhood, a  lease  will  not  detain 
him.  In  such  cases,  however,  it  is 
well  to  have  the  furniture  in  your 
wife's  name. 


t!rue0Da^ 
5 


3^eDne0tia^ 
6 


7 


ifrtua^ 

8 


featurua^ 
9 


Ascension  Day,  May  9,  1891 — 
Prof.  Leonza  fell  out  of  a  balloon 
about  two  miles  and  a  half  above 
Lewiston,  Ohio,  and  died  in  a 
cornfield. 


Abe  Martinis  Almanack 


Long  before  a  feller  recovers  from  his 
wife^s  Easter  hat,  she  begins  t'  fret  'bout 
th'  fall  shapes. 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  bought  a  set  o' 
/  Shakespeare  yisterday,  payin'  one  dollar 
/    down  an'  th'  rest  eventually. 


Newt  Plum's  son-in-law  has  advertised 
fer  a  girl  t'  do  general  housework  an'  no 
questions  asked. 

«| 

iFdon't  take  a  landlady  long  t'  prune 
out  her  boarders. 


^gi-^ 


HAPPY  DAYS 


May 


THE  SEASONS  (Pittsburgh  Time) 

CORRECTED  DAILY  BY  THE  EMERSON  SHOE  COMPANY 

Vernal  Equinox Spring  begins.... March  21  d.   1  h.  13  ra.  p.m. 

Summer  Solstice Summer   "       ....June    22  d.   9  h.    8  m.  a.m. 

Autumnal  Equinox.. .Autumn    "      ....Sept.    22  d.  11  h.  49  m.  p.  M. 
Winter  Solstice Winter     ••      ....Dec.    22  d.   6  h.  81  m.  p.  m. 


^ttttUa^ 

10 


11 


12 


13 


tKl)urfi!Da^ 
14 


iFritia^ 
15 


^aturoai^ 
16 


May,  1898 — Spanish  -  American 
War.    Cigarettes  and  ice-boxes. 


May,  1898— AdmiralN^' George 
Dewey,  U.  S.  A.,  blew  a  few  old 
disabled  Spanish  hulks  out  of 
Manila  Bay,  awakening  the  officers 
and  men  and  scattering  them  in 
the  surf.  Little  or  nothing  is  ever 
heard  of  Dewey  these  days.. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


When  you  see  your  groceryman  put 
two  quarts  o'  strawberries  in  a  one  quart 
paper  bucket  you  sort  o'  lose  interest  in 
things. 

/      Some  church  members  would  never  git 

/   t'  see  th'  inside  of  a  the-ater  if  it  wuzn't 

/     fer  th'  great,  immortal  play,  Uncle  Tom's 

/       Cabin,  with  its  corn  shredder  musicians, 

/        burr  head  jubilee  singers  an'  mouse  col- 

\       ored  mule. 

^'  i« 

It  strikes  me  that  our  boasted  prosper- 
ity has  jist  about  reached  th'  limit  when 
a  catfish  bites  on  a  wooden  minnie. 


Th'  feller  that  calls  you  "brother"  gen- 
erally wants  something  that  don't  belong 
to  him. 

It  must  be  blamed  embarrassin'  t'  ask  a 
rich  wife  fer  a  quarter  now  an'  then. 


Ma 


U. 


Sound  travels  at  the  rate  of  1,142  feet  per  second 
— about  thirteen  miles  in  a  minute.  So  that  if  we 
hear  a  clap  of  thunder  half  a  minute  after  the  flash, 
we  may  calculate  that  the  discharge  of  electricity  is 
six  and  a  half  miles  off, 


17 


18 


19 


1^etine0Ua^ 

20 


tE^j^urstia^ 
21 


iFritia^ 

22 


§)attti:Da^ 
23 


May,  1907 — The  roller-skating 
craze  strikes  Indiana.  Many  sad- 
dened homes. 


May,  1906 — Long-sleeve  glove 
famine  spreads  throughout  the 
United  States.  Much  suffering  be- 
low the  elbows, 


May  23,   1907— Czar's  life  at- 
tempted, 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


You  never  see  no  "to  let"  signs  on  Easy 
street. 

IS 

If  your  own  wife  won't  do  housework 
what's  th'  use  o'  lookin'  any  further? 

Lots  o'  blamed  lazy  farmers  chew  an' 
smoke  that  never  "touch  th'  weed." 


.^ 


K 


No  matter  how  bad  things  may  go  at 
home  th'  average  housewife  will  "bridge" 


'em  over. 


/    Pinky  Kerr  says  a  nature  faker  is  a  bum 
/  actor  that  travels  jist  t'  see  th'  scenery. 


Ole  Niles  Turner  talks  so  much  he  can't 
smoke  a  pipe. 


May 


Cheap  shoes  don't  begin  t'  hurt  fer  two 
er  three  days  after  you  put  'em  on. 


A  bunch  o'  nice  celery  makes  a  great 
decoy  fer  a  bum  dinin'  hall. 


24 


^oni5a^ 

25 


26 


27 


28 


iFriUa^ 
29 


^aturDa^ 
30 


A'  friend  of  Walter  Wellman 
has  just  received  a  postal  card 
from  the  eminent  explorer,  saying 
that  he  had  been  persuaded  to  re- 
main over  for  a  dance  at  Spitzber- 
gen,  and  it  is  not  likely  that  he 
will  make  a  dash  for  the  Pole  for 
some  weeks  yet, 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Th'  farmer  that  drives  t'  town  t^  play 
pool  'cause  it's  too  wet  t'  plow  never 
gathers  no  moss. 

Young  Lafe  Bud  says  his  wife  spent  a 
hundred  an'  eighty  dollars  last  year  prac- 
tisin'  on  newspaper  recipes. 


It'll  soon  be  time  fer  th'  feller  that 
looks  bum  in  a  straw  hat  t'  grow  despon- 
dent. 

May  is  th'  month  when  th'  ole  clothes 
man  swindles  your  wife  out  o'  your  over- 
coat. 

Never  ask  th'  feller  that  makes  th'  most 
of  his  opportunities  t'  watch  your  store 
while  you  go  t'  dinnen 


May 


Th*  feller  that  sets  on  a  store  box  with 
his  mouth  full  of  scrap  terbacker  while 
his  wife  is  at  home  sewin'  fer  a  livin' 
knows  jist  exactly  how  t'  regulate  th'  rail- 
roads. '^*^-^ 


No  matter  where  they  are,  jist  one  bot- 
tle o'  red  pop  an'  some  fellers  want  t'  hug 
ther  girls, 


31 


June  brides  grow  uneasy. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


While  talkin'  'bout  ortomoblles  th' 
other  day,  Ez  Pash  remarked  that  he'd 
like  t'  see  that  Taf  t  machine  in  Ohio. 


«t 


One  good  thing  'bout  this  cold  spring 
— phonergraf  owners  can't  raise  ther  win- 
dows. 

Ther's  plenty  o'  people  makin'  a  hit  in 
society  that  couldn't  stand  th'  Romburg 
test 

Every  day  ushers  in  some  new  kind  of 
a  grafter. 


Jane 


1 


2 


3 


4 


iFriUai? 
5 


^aturua^ 
6 


MAY  20  TO  JUNE  21 

Sign  of  Gemini  (the  Twins) 

The  old  Romans  called  May  the 
boundary  day  'twixt  the  bleak, 
leafless,  coal-buying  season  and  the 
hot,  sweltering  months  when  news- 
paper circulations  dwindle  and 
cheap  rates  to  Niagara  Falls  pre- 
vail. May  was  dedicated  to  the 
Goddess  Maia,  and  the  opening  of 
the  general  Assizes,  whatever  that 
means,  was  fixed  for  the  first  day. 

Persons  waking  to  life  the  latter 
half  of  this  month  or  the  earlier 
half  of  the  next  take  their  inher- 
itance from  the  sign  of  Gemini  II, 
which  indicates  a  changeable  exist- 
ence. The  Gemini  born  usually 
marry  at  the  age  of  nineteen  with- 
out a  single  prospect.  They  love  to 
sit  in  a  park  and  look  over  the 
daily  papers,  and  read  the  lavisK 
offers  of  fifty  to  one  hundred  dol* 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


I 


lars  a  day  to  bright,  hustling  young  men  of  charac- 
ter and  no  capital.  During  the  course  of  their  rest- 
less, feverish  careers  they  solicit  insurance,  collect 
for  instalment  houses,  work  advertising  schemes, 
and  finally  land  square  on  the  hummer.  These  way- 
ward children  of  Gemini  inherit  an  extravagant 
love  for  sea  travel,  and  often  peel  potatoes  on  the 
steamers  that  ply  between  Cleveland  and  Buffalo. 
Whatever  the  country  or  clime,  however,  they  will 
be  found  hanging  around  the  cheap  boarding-house 
districts,  impelled  hither  more  on  account  of  hunger 
than  by  mere  idle  amusement.  If  the  proteges  of 
Gemini  ever  do  enter  into  the  competition  of  the 
business  world,  it  is  best  that  they  shift  the  under- 
taking of  important  affairs  as  much  as  possible  to 
the  months  of  July  and  August,  when  well-to-do 
people  have  gone  North  to  escape  the  hot  weather 
and  there  is  no  one  left  behind  to  watch  their  homes. 


June 


A  liar  is  a  person  that  disagrees  with  President 
E.oosevelt. 


7 


8 


9 


10 


t!rj)ur0isa^ 
11 


ifrtoa^ 
12 


g)aturiia^ 
13 


June  9,    1907— Czar's  life  at- 
tempted. 


1852— Harriet    Beecher    Stow^     \ 
writes  Uncle  Tom's  Cabin,  little 
dreaming   that   it  would   be   the       , 
stepping-stone   to    the    stage   for     j 
20,000  blonde  children.  --^    / 


June,  1763 — Pontiac's  Indian 
ball  club  wins  from  Fort  Mack- 
inaw. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Prof.  Alex  Tansey,  our  school  teacher, 
predicts  that  in  th'  next  ten  years  ther  will 
be  dollar  excursions  t'  th'  moon  an^  tickets 
will  be  good  returnin'  Monday  via  Clyde, 
Ohio. 


iTh'  popularity  o'  round  steaks  an'  liver 
wuz  greater  in  1907  than  in  all  other 
yean  combined. 


June 


Th'  feller  that  will  pay  if  he's  got  it, 
an'  th'  feller  that  is  slow  pay  an'  th'  dead 
beat  er  all  purty  much  tarred  with  th' 
same  stick. 


14 


15 


16 


17 


18 


iFrifia^ 
19 


^aturna^ 
20 


June     15,     1215 — King    John 
granted  Magna  Charta. 


June  18,  1778— The  British 
evacuate  Philadelphia  on  account 
of  the  Sunday  closing  ordinance. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Uncle  Niles  Turner  says  he  used  t' 
know  a  feller  in  Pickreltown,  Ohio,  that 
could  make  a  speech  without  first  takin' 
two  er  three  drinks. 

Miss  Tawney  Apple  is  undecided 
whether  t'  teach  kindergarten  er  chiny 
paintin'  er  git  married. 

Miss  Jane  Fluhart  who  has  been  dying 
t'  git  married  fer  years  passed  quietly 
away  Monday. 

St 

It's  funny  somebuddy  don't  invent  a 
collar  that'll  fit  a  home-made  shirt. 


Things  er  never  the  same  again  after 
you  have  your  'phone  taken  out. 


June 


"I  am  dumfounded  at  the  preposterous  argu- 
ments sometimes  offered  by  our  friends  of  the  gold 
standard,  and  it  seems  to  me  that  it  will  be  many 
decades  before  our  country  recovers  its  equilibrium 
after  that  greatest  of  all  national  disgraces,  the 
silver  crime  of  seventy-three.  The  workings  of  the 
gold  standard  can  no  better  be  illustrated  than  by 
the  fact  that  if  you  toss  a  five-dollar  gold  piece  into 
a  crowd  one  man  gets  it.  If  you  fling  five  silver 
dollars  into  the  same  throng  five  men  get  them,  thus 
proving  conclusively  a  vicious  and  discriminating 
system  of  distribution  under  the  gold  standard." 
— Extract  from  the  famous  speech  of  Ex-Editor 
Cale  Fluhart,  delivered  at  Roundhead,  Ohio,  before 
the  Society  for  the  Suppression  of  Blind  Accordion 
Plavers. 


21 


22 


23 


^ei5ne5flsa^ 
24 


25 


26 


^attttua^ 
27 


Summer  begins  at  9  A.  M.  to- 
day. 


NOT  VERY  LONG 

If  the  newspapers  of  this  coun- 
try would  refuse  to  print  foot-ball 
fatalities  and  pictures  of  the  play- 
ers the  game  would  not  last  as 
long  as  a  circus  concert. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Th'  feller  that  kin  tell  th'  exact  number 
o'  days  since  he  quit  drinkin'  alius  breaks 
over. 

One  o'  th'  hardest  things  'bout  livin'  in 
a  flat  is  beggin'  fer  wall  paper. 

Young  Lafe  Bud  says  whoever  de- 
signed th'  women's  stockin's  this  spring 
must  a  been  a  landscape  gardener  er  a 
tattooed  man. 

You  don't  often  run  against  anything  as 
silly  as  a  young  widower. 

/    iTh'  biggest  "rubes"  at  a  State  Fair  cr 
/    city  people. 

/   Mrs.   Tilford   Moots'   nephew   from 

6 Ohio  is  visitin'  her.  He's  quite  a  feller  an' 
makes  twenty-one  dollars  a  week  when 
he's  not  strikin'. 


June 


KEBOBBED  OYSTERS 

Strangle  fifty  oysters  and  singe  over  an  alcohol 
lamp.  Chop  enough  hay  for  one  truck  horse  and 
add  a  little  dash  of  parsley.  Beat  two  real  eggs 
into  insensibility  and  scatter.  Have  at  easy  hailing 
distance  an  ordinary  baking  dish  such  as  magicians 
use,  lift  the  oysters  by  the  wings  and  dip  them  first 
in  the  eggs  and  then  in  sawdust  (in  the  absence  of 
sawdust  bird  sand  will  answer),  and  throw  at  once 
into  the  baking  dish.  Cut  a  table-spoon  into  small 
pieces  and  sprinkle  freely  over  the  top  and  cook  in 
quick  oven.  Then  give  them  to  the  man  that  hauls 
your  ashes. 


28 


29 


80 


June  28,  1778 — ^The  first  Pitch- 
er was  rushed  at  Monmouth. 


.A!*"mollycoddle  is  a  fellow  who 
'washes  dishes  while  his  wife  plays 
golf. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Young  Lafe  Bud  speaks  two  languages 
— English  an'  baseball. 


^ 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  has  been  laid  up 
fer  a  day  er  two  an'  she  looks  as  pale  an' 
thin  as  a  carriage  painter's  arm. ; 


SI 


Th'  chronic  grumbler  is  a  church  so- 
cial compared  t'  th'  feller  that  agrees 
with  everything  you  say. 


Ther's  been  a  noticeable  fallin'  off  o' 
editors  at  Niagry  Falls  this  year  on  ac- 
count o'  th'  anti-pass  laws. 


July 


1 


tlTliursUja^ 

2 


8 


g>aturi)B^ 
4 


JUNE  21  TO  JULY  22 

Sign  of  Cancer  (the  Crab) 

&Vfter  a  stormy  debate  lasting 
some  days,  the  Romans  decided  to 
dedicate  the  radiant  month  of  June 
to  Luna,  the  moon-eyed  goddess. 
Persons  ushered  into  this  vale  of 
tears  during  the  latter  half  of  this 
fickle  month,  or  along  about  the 
Fourth  of  July,  enter  life  under 
doubtful  influences,  and  are  liable 
to  be  cancer  specialists.     Though    >v 
gifted  in  many  directions  to  the      \ 
brink  of  genius,  they  are  described       / 
by  Emerson  as   "always  looking     / 
for    money    from    home."    Being.    ',> 
neither  broad-minded  nor  open  to 
conviction,    nothing    will    shake 
their  belief  that  the  foreigner  pays 
the  tax.    Domestic  in  their  nature, 
they  long  for  the  close  compan- 
ionship   of   home   life,   and   will 
often  stick  there  till  they  are  forty 


Abe  Martin's  Almanac 


or  forty-five  years  old  without  paying  any  board.  ^ 

C'They  occasionally  pursue  harmonious,  conventional 
ways  of  life,  but  seldom  vote  the  Democratic  ticket. 


J^iy 


Ther'll  never  be  no  safe  an'  sane 
Fourth  o'  July  in  this  country  as  long  as 
women  an'  girls  er  allowed  t'  shoot  Ro- 
man candles. 


5 


6 


tETuesfDa^ 

7 


^eDne0Ua^ 
8 


tKl^urs^a^ 
9 


iFriuai? 
10 


featurDa^ 
11 


LOOK!! 

Instead  of  starting  your  kitchen 
fire  with  kerosene,  first  arrange 
your  earthly  affairs  and  then  pro- 
cure a  quarter  of  a  yard  of  flannel. 
Fold  the  cloth  into  a  square  pad 
and  saturate  it  thoroughly  with 
chloroform  and  apply  to  the  nose 
and  mouth,  being  careful  to  secure 
it  by  means  of  a  cord  tied  about 
the  head.    Then  retire. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Newt  Plumbs  son-in-law  hain't  got  no 
tellyphone,  so  he  has  t'  go  home  t'  his  din- 
ner ever'  day. 


Th'  Grand  Exalted  Ruler  o'  th'  Elks 
has  decided  t'  do  away  with  celluloid  elk 
teeth  fer  watch  charms  in  order  t'  help 
preserve  th'  graceful  animal. 


July 


Th*  Indynoplus  saloons  will  close  ther 
front  bars  on  th'  Fourth,  but  lots  o^  people 
will  git  shot  in  th'  back.  ^.^ 


12 


13 


tKue^oa^ 
14 


li^etinefiftia^ 
15 


tD^l^ttrsfUa^ 
16 


iFtiua^ 
17 


^aturua^ 

18 


1899— The  South  African  War 
began,  the  Boers  fighting  behind 
rocks  and  the  English  fighting  be- 
hind the  Irish, 


July  17,   1907— Czar's  life  at- 
tempted. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Time  will  never  be  any  great  success  as 
a  healer  as  long  as  we  have  t'  pay  taxes. 

It  seems  t'  me  that  when  a  feller  hain't 
f'  got  neither  time  ner  money  f  do  a  thing 
our  celebrated  prosperity  has  reached  th' 
limit 

A  feller's  wife  never  runs  off  when  he 
wants  her  to. 

Miss  Germ  Williams  says  they  have 
nine  kittens  at  her  home — literally  speak- 


in'. 


^ 


Th'  greatest  o'  all  "trunk  mysteries"  is 
how  a  woman  kin  put  so  much  in  'em. 


July 


QUESTIONS    AND    ANSWERS 

CONDUCTED    BY   DR.    MOPPS 

I  am  often  kidded  about  my  slender  arms.  How 
can  I  develop  them?  Elcie. 

Answer — Scrubbing  is  a  splendid  remedy.  Get 
down  on  your  knees  and  scrub  first  with  one  hand 
and  then  with  the  other  for  eight  hours  each  day, 
letting  your  full  weight  rest  on  the  thumb  and  fore- 
finger of  either  hand. 

May  I  dye  a  pair  of  duck  slippers  to  match  an 
elive  green  touring  car?  Eilleen. 

Answer — Certainly. 


19 


20 


tCuesftia^ 
21 


22 


tETlmrfl^Da^ 

23 


ifriua^ 
24, 


^actttua^ 
25 


Is  there  no  simple  home  prepa- 
ration that  will  make  my  hands 
soft  and  pretty?  Lucile. 

Answer — One  cupful  of  milk, 
one  cupful  of  cornmeal,  one  cup- 
ful of  sugar.  Put  the  baking  pow- 
der in  the  last  thing. 

How  may  I  tell  a  good  cante- 
loup  ?  Louise. 

Answer — See  a  clairvoyant. 

Papa  is  thinking  some  of  break- 
ing up  and  losing  everything. 
Kindly  suggest  some  honorable 
employment  for  a  sensible  young 
lady  of  eighteen.  Mildred. 

Answer — General  housework  is 
the  least  worked  field. 

Can  you  inform  me  of  anything 
cheaper  than  Sunday  newspapers 
for  fuel?  Myrtle. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Answer — Breakfast  food  samples. 

I  am  ambitious  to  be  a  literary  woman,  caring 
little  for  cooking  and  dress.   Is  writing  profitable  ? 

Inez. 

,       Answer — Backing   envelopes    for    a   mail-order 
/  house  pays  fairly  well. 


J^iy 


Every  feller  that  smokes  cigarettes  i 
hain't  a  weakling  but  all  th'  weaklings  / 
smoke  'em. 


.--V, 


Th'  feller  that  knocks  his  home  town 
is  mean  enough  t'  shave  himself  with  a 
piece  of  a  celery  dish. 


26 


^ontia^ 

27 


tCuefifUai? 

28 


29 


tEfl^urfifUa^ 
80 


iFriDa^ 
31 


Never  too  late  to  mend — a  blue 
serge  suit. 


July  29,  1472 — First  almanack 
printed. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Tilford  Moots  wuz  held  up  In  his  own 
door-yard  last  night  at  eight  o'clock  an' 
robbed  of  a  dollar  an'  thirty  cents.  Th' 
robbers  fired  at  him  nine  times  but  his 
family,  that  wuz  in  th'  front  room  readin' 
th'  Thaw  trial,  didn't  hear  th'  shots. 


Ther's  two  Indiana  showmen  IVe  alius 
'Ranted  t'  see — Ben  Hur  an'  Ben  Wallace. 


The  manager  o'  th'  Indynoplus  ball 
club  says  Pitcher  Bales,  o'  Carmel,  has  a 
fine  rural  delivery. 


/^f  RockyfcUcr  could  cat  he  wouldn't  be 
80  rich. 


August 


1 


JULY  22  TO  AUGUST, 22 


Sign  of  Leo  (the  Lion) 


July  was  made  sacred  to  Jupiter 
Ammon  by  our  old  Roman  fore- 
fathers. 

Persons  entering  life  during  the ' 
latter  half  of  July  or  the  earlier 
half  of  August  take  their  inher- 
itance from  the  smooth,  oily,  mag- 
netic Leo,  a  hot,  fast,  kaleidoscopic 
sign  governing  the  heat  of  life. 
These  people  are  all  right  in  many 
respects,  and  make  good,  cool- 
headed  janitors  if  handled  with 
gloves.  In  their  enthusiasm  they 
frame  up  ideals  which  they  wor- 
ship inimitably.  Their  inborn 
magnetism  and  quick  response  to 
their  party's  call  have  made  them 
formidable  factors  in  politics.  Wil- 
liam Jennings  Bryan  might  be  a 
protege  of  this  sign,  and,  although 
he  was  defeated  twice,  he  made 


4. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


many  converts  by  the  spell  of  his  presence,  and  in- 
cidentally threw  several  doubtful  states  into  the  lap 
of  the  enemy. 

Leo  children  rebel  against  any  proposition  that 
restricts  freedom  of  action,  and  prefer  to  use  their 
own. system.  If  they  are  wise  they  will  wend  their 
way  to  the  tenth  climate  and  launch  their  most  im- 
portant undertakings  during  the  first  Tuesday  in 
November.  The  flower  of  Leo  is  the  morning-glory, 
which  hangs  on  like  a  poor  relation. 


August 


2 


TRUE    DEMOCR^ACY 

A  Powerful  and  Sensational  Speech  Deliv- 
ered BY  Hon.  Ex-Editor  Cale  Fluhart  be- 
fore the  Jackson  Club,  of  Brown  County, 
Indiana^  at  its  Annual  Banquet 

Mr.  Chairman,  Cittofellizens  and  Members  of 
the  Alfalfa  Glee  Club :  Since  the  memorable  con- 
vention of  1896,  when  William  Jennings  [tumultu- 
ous applause]  Bryan  thrilled  the  magnificent  assem- 
blage with  his  matchless  oratory  [deafening  ap- 
plause], the  Democratic  party  has  been  floundering 
in  the  troubled  waters  of  revolt  and  discord,  and 
oozing  further  and  further  from  the  safe  moorings 
of  stability  and  intellect  into  the  dense  thickets  of 
demoralization  and  deceit.  This  Chautauqua  head- 
liner  from  Nebraska  [unparal- 
leled applause]  has  beckoned  and 
beckoned  until  what  was  once  the 
safest  harbor  in  the  world  is  now  a 
sand-bar,  the  Democratic  party. 
Since  William  Jennings  Bryan  [at 
this  point  the  applause  fairly 
shook  Melodeon  Hall,  and  a  tier 
of  improvised  seats  collapsed,  seri- 
ously injuring  an  old  lady,  who 
was  carried  to  the  livery  stable  be- 
low] entered  the  councils  of  the 
grand  old  Democratic  party  we 
have  had  to  be  content  with  up- 
roarious applause.  This  perennial 
candidate  [deafening  din]  speaks 
in  the  forenoon  at  Hurley,  Wis- 
consin, in  the  afternoon  at  Tampa, 
Florida,  and  in  the  evening  at 
Bangor,  Maine,  always  on  the  go, 
crowding  halls  and  fair  grounds 
at  a  dollar  a  throw,  while  the  poor 
old  party  of  Jefferson  dances  for 
liver.  Why,  friends,  think  of  Jack- 


3 


tirue0l>a^ 


^eUne0Da^ 
5 


6 


iFritia^ 

7 


^aturtia^ 
8 


Abe  Martinis  Almanack 


son,  Jefferson,  scholarly  Tilden,  Hancock  and  hii 
military  bearing,  ponderous  Cleveland,  and  other 
great  leaders  of  the  Democratic  party  in  the  past, 
and  then  think  of  the  "parader  of  the  Platte."    [At 
the  very  mention  of  the  Platte  the  applause  contin- 
ued at  great  length.]    Why,  friends,   I  remember 
once  of  being  in  Jasonville,  this  state,  where  a  vast 
throng  had  gathered  to  hear  this  so-called  "peerless'* 
Nebraskan  [here  the  applause  was  so  prolonged  and 
variegated  in  its  nature  that  Mr.   Fluhart  kindly 
y^consented  to  quit  speaking  and  Miss  Fawn  Lippin- 
/  cut  recited  "The  Smoldering  Embers  of  Democracy" 
/     in  her  usual  charming  manner,  duplicating  her  for- 
!      mer  successes]. 


August 


In  buildin'  a  cement  house  be  sure  an* 
put  two-inch  studdin'  an'  lath  on  th'  in- 
side. If  you  don't  th'  loan  company  will 
have  a  damp  house  on  its  hands. 


9 


10 


11 


12 


13 


14 


^aturtia^ 
15 


August,    1907 — Eradication   of 
Pulajanism  in  the  Isle  of  Leyte. 


August  11,  1907 — Czar's  life  at- 
tempted. 


August  13,  1906 — Charge  of 
the  dark  brigade  at  Brownsville, 
Texas. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Th'  first  one  t'  ketch  a  circus  in  a  lie  is 
a  boy. 


/   Constable  Newt  Plumbs  son-in-law  says 
/  this  is  th'  first  Summer  he  has  ever  had  t* 
/    choose  between  somethin'  t'  eat  an'  some- 
thin'  t'  wear. 


August 


Take  a  nickePs  worth  o'  rhubarb  an' 
add  five  dollars'  worth  o'  sugar  an'  cook 
till  done  an'  you've  got  one  o'  th'  most  ex- 
pensive liver  regulators  on  th'  market. 


'A    GOOD    RULE 

When  you  buy  a  cantaloup  of  a  peddler,  always 
take  his  number. 


16 


^ontia^ 
17 


t!I^ue0Da^ 
18 


19 


20 


21 


^aturtJa^ 
22 


August  22,  1607 — Captain  John 
Smith  sailed  for  Jamestown,  where 
he  founded  the  Smith  Manufac- 
turing Company  and  supplied  the 
United  States. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


/     A  gypsy  fortune-teller  told  Tipton  Bud 
yisterday  that  Bryan  wuz  right  in  1896. 

Elgin  Tyler,  who  has  been  blowin'  up 
stumps  on  th'  ole  Moots  place  fer  th'  past 
week,  has  gone  over  t'  th'  Pash  farm 
where  he  will  enter  a  broader  field. 

«t 

A  chap  ort  t'  save  a  few  o'  th'  long 
evenings  he  spends  with  his  girl  till  after 
they're  married. 

Pinky  Kerr  says  he  never  heerd  o'  any- 
buddy  payin'  cash  fer  a  planner. 

/  What  has  become  o'  th'  ole  fashioned 
round-faced  butcher  that  used  t*  give  you 
a  piece  o'  bologna  with  ever'  purchase. 


August 


Th'  smartest  girl  in  school  an'  the  pur- 
tiest  girl  in  town  er  never  mistaken  fer 
one  another. 


r\ 


Ever'  once  in  awhile  you  meet  a  feller 
in  some  honorable  walk  o'  life  that  wuz 
once  admitted  t'  th'  bar. 


23 


24 


25 


26 


27 


28 


^aturuap 
29 


"Friend  after  friend  departs. 
Oh,  who  has  not  loaned  an  um- 
brella?" 


August  28,  1830 — First  locomo- 
tive was  built  in  the  XJnited 
States. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Tilford  Moots  says  it's  purty  hard  t' 
tell  jist  what  would  happen  on  th'  Poto- 
mac if  President  Roosyfel  would  wake  up 
some  mornin'  an'  not  find  his  name  in  th' 
paper. 


In  these  Babylonian  days  ever'  young 
woman  should  know  how  t'  scream. 


Miss  Germ  Williams  says  peroxide 
blondes  ort  t'  be  tagged  jist  like  oleo- 
margarine. 

A  long  memory  an'  a  long  tongue  er 
reg'lar  ole  cronies. 

Tipton  Bud  went  over  t'  th'  Morgan 
County  poorhouse  t'day  t'  see  an  ole  friend 
that  studied  bookkeepin'  th'  same  time  he 
did. 


August 


Overwork  has  killed  more  people  than 
all  th'  loafin'  put  together. 


This  has  been  a  great  year  fer  breakin' 
records,  but  Lafe  Bud's  phonergraf  seems 
t'  have  escaped. 


30 


31 


WARNING! 

The  touring  car  mortality  statis- 
tics of  the  United  States  for  nine- 
teen hundred  and  seven  prove  con- 
clusively that  it  is  dangerous  to 
mix  booze  with  gasoline. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Uncle  Ez  Pash  asked  Pinky  Kerr  what 
States  he  went  through  when  he  wuz  with 
a  circus  an'  Pinky  said,  ^^How'd  I  know? 
We  traveled  at  night." 

People  that  shirk  around  all  winter  er 
th'  first  ones  f  take  a  vacation  in  th' 
spring. 


Uncle  Niles  Turner's  nephew  died  et 
Upper  Sandusky,  Ohio,  Monday.  He 
used  t'  be  a  life  insurance  solicitor  till  he 
lost  his  cunning. 

/      Th'  average  young  man  thinks  he's  a 
i    great  financier  if  he  only  spends  all  he 
makes  fer  clothes. 


September 


1 


^eJ)nr0tia^ 

2 


tirtiuriStia^ 
3 


4 


g)atuttja^ 


AUGUST  22  TO  SEPTEMBER  22 

Sign  of  Virgo  (the  Virgin) 

August,  the  month  when  Kansas 
yells  for  help,  was  dedicated  to 
Ceres,  goddess  of  corn,  by  the  old- 
timers. 

Folks  born  the  latter  half  of 
this  month  or  the  first  two  weeks 
of  September  belong  to  the  dry 
food  class,  and  enter  upon  the 
stage  of  life  under  the  sign  of  Vir- 
go, indicating  an  inborn  aptitude 
to  voice  the  mind  of  the  public  be- 
fore the  public  is  really  aware  oC., 
the  issues.  Virgo  heirs  make  great 
newspaper  reporters.  Their  man- 
ner of  digging  up  news  is  so  en- 
gaging that  their  informant  does 
not  wake  up  until  the  paper  has 
gone  to  press  and  the  reporter  is 
well  on  his  way  to  the  golf  links, 
chuckling  all  the  while.  A  Virgo 
reporter    always    carries    an    old 


Abe  Martinis  Almanack 


f  sleeve  to  laugh  in.  Excellent  as  this  investigative 
I  turn  of  mind  may  be,  the  proteges  of  Virgo  often 
\  get  their  newspapers  in  a  jam  on  account  of  their 
\  unconquerable  mania  for  getting  all  the  news,  and 
their  editors  have  to  go  home  in  closed  carriages  for 
weeks  at  a  time. 

Next  to  the  love  of  excitement  attending  the 
gathering  of  sensational  news  comes  the  fondness 
for  getting  a  prominent  position  on  a  grand  stand 
or  the  end  of  a  special  car  while  President  Roosevelt 
shows  his  teeth  and  bums  Bryan  powder.  The 
Virgo  women  are  fond  of  finery  and  social  distinc- 
tion, but  a  little  shy  when  it  comes  to  laying  out 
their  husband's  underwear  and  putting  his  other 
shirt  where  he  can  find  it  if  he  should  suddenly 
receive  an  assignment  to  go  to  French  Lick  and 
interview  Tom  Taggart  on  the  future  plans  of  the 
Democratic  party.  Any  month  in  the  year  will  prove 
congenial  for  Virgo  interests. 


September 


Miss  Immortelle  Bud  says  ther  hain't 
no  use  in  sendin'  out  weddin'  invitations 
if  you've  already  got  a  pair  o'  candle 
labras* 


An  ole  tfieatrical  friend  o'  Pinky  Kerr's 
married  a  circus  rider  th'  other  day  an' 
used  th'  three  ring  ceremony. 


6 


£ponlia^ 

7 


8 


9 


10 


iFriDa^ 
11 


^aturua^ 
12 


If  you  can't  be  good,  solicit  in- 
surance. 


September  12,  1907— Czar's  life 
attempted. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


/  Miss  Tawney  Apple  says  th'  ole 
wheezy  phonergraf  down  at  th'  mil- 
linery store  has  been  singin'  ^'Shy — anne, 
Shy — anne''  so  blamed  much  that  she  has 
no  desire  t'  see  Buffalo  Bill's  show. 


?>^ 


1 


Aunt  Tabithy  Plum  says  ther  hain't 
nothin'  like  goose  grease  and  onions  fer 
babies.  She  ort  t'  know.  She's  buried 
nine. 


September 


"Peace  has  its  victories  no  less  than 
war,"  but  it  doesn't  have  as  many  monu- 
ments t'  unveil. 


13 


14 


15 


16 


17 


iFriJJa^ 
18 


^aturDa^ 
19 


Saturday,  October  14,  1769— 
Humboldt  born.  (Published  by 
request.) 


An  architect  is  a  fellow  that 
talks  you  into  going  in  debt  three 
or  four  thousand  dollars  morQ. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Miss  Tawney  Apple  is  doin'  some  fine 
burnt  wood  work  these  days.  She  used  t* 
iron  shirts  in  a  laundry. 

I  told  ole  Ez  Pash  that  Link  Gage  had 
jist  died  of  a  complication  of  diseases,  an' 
he  said,  ^Why,  I  never  knowed  he 
drank." 


Constable  Newt  Plum's  son-in-law  ex- 
pects t'  move  in  a  cottage  this  fall  if  he 
kin  find  one  next  t'  somebuddy  that's  got 
a  tellyphone. 

H 

Ther's  not  much  weight  t'  anything  a 
coal  dealer  says. 

Selling  out  at  cost — "Wuz  $19  now 
$4." 


September 


Even  a  clean  collar  makes  some  fellers 
look  like  they'd  jist  got  out  of  a  sick  bed. 


Doc  Mopps  extracted  a  side  comb  from 
th*  stomach  o'  young  Lafe  Bud  yisterday. 
He  says  people  can't  be  too  careful  when 
eatin'  home-made  pies. 


S)unDa^ 
20 


21 


22 


23 


24 


iFrioa^ 

25 


gjaturnai? 
26 


September  24 — Autumn  begins 
at  12  M.  to-day. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Newt  Plumbs  son-in-law  says  he  hopes 
th'  Hague  peace  conference  won't  stop  th' 
ice  wars. 

The  increased  price  o'  horseshoe  nails 
don't  make  no  difference  f  th'  feller  that 
wears  a  belt. 

Ther's  lots  o'  folks  sportin'  around  in 
tourin'  cars  that  don't  know  where  ther 
next  quart  o'  gasoline  is  comin'  from. 

Prize  fighters  er  rapped  up  in  thcr  own 
business. 


September 


Th'  feller  that  hires  an  eminent  lawyer 
t'  defend  him  never  gits  off  very  easy. 


CONSTABLE  NEWT  PLUM 

On  September  27,  1908,  Newt  Plum  enters  on 
his  thirty- third  year  as  constable.  His  unfailing  de- 
votion to  duty,  in  addition  to  his  unswerving  free 
trade  proclivities,  is  the  admiration  of  all,  regardless 
of  party.  The  illustration  below 
shows  Constable  Plum  fully 
armed  and  ready  for  business. 


27 


28 


29 


30 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


A  new  janitor  sweeps  clean. 

St 

Jedgin'  by  th'  beauty  contest  pictures 
in  th'  Indianny  papers  th'  peach  crop 
must  a  got  nipped  a  little  around  th' 
edges. 

Th'  feller  that  clips  his  horse  in  th' 
winter  time  alius  wears  an  ulster  overcoat. 


fft 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  has  discontinued 
her  Battle  Creek  diet  an'  worried  down 
her  first  pig's  foot  o'  th'  season  yisterday. 


October 


1 


iFtiua^ 
2 


S)aturtia^ 


3 


BiBua.. 


SEPTEMBER  23  TO  OCTOBER  23 

Sign  of  Libra  (the  Scales) 

It  isn't  quite  clear  who  dedi- 
cated September,  but  those  who 
pick  up  the  thread  of  life  under 
the  influence  of  the  sign  of  Libra 
will  have  a  fine  liberality  of 
thought  and  rare  good  judgment 
when  it  comes  to  picking  out  a 
boarding-house  or  a  good  nickel 
cigar. 

These  people,  above  those  of  all 
other  signs,  seem  to  get  in  on  all 
the  real  bargains  of  life.  Longfel- 
low has  said  that  "in  this  world 
every  man  is  an  anvil  or  a  ham- 
mer." The  Libra  fellows  fulfil  the- 
prophecy  of  the  hammer — all  be- 
ing knockers  of  a  high  order  of 
excellence.  Born  leaders,  they  are 
bad  losers.  Theirs  is  the  power 
that  enables  others  to  sell  you 
shoes  that  almost  kill  you,  clothes 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


that  wrinkle  across  the  back,  and  six-dollar  shirts 
with  your  monogram  worked  in  the  sleeve. 

Unfortunately,  the  physique  of  the  Libra  proteges 
is  less  robust  than  their  mentality,  but  at  that  they 
get  the  goods.  When  fate  unites  them  in  marriage 
with  an  heir  of  Leo  or  Sagittarius,  it  is  almost  cer- 
tain to  be  a  blow-off,  for  these  people  of  the  fine 
triplicity  are  always  kindling  something.  The 
women  of  the  Libra  sign  measure  up  fairly  well, 
except  that  they  are  extravagant,  and  sometimes 
contract  pecuniary  entanglements  that  keep  their 
husbands'  noses  in  close  proximity  to  the  grindstone 
until  overtaken  by  the  grim  harvester.  The  flower 
of  this  heaven-kissed  month  is  the  poor  little  violet : 

Half-hidden  from  the  eye, 
Fair  as  a  star  when  only  one 
Is  shining  in  the  sky. 


October 


I  don't  see  how  a  feller  kin  sell  canta- 
loupes six  days  in  th'  week  an'  go  t'  church 
on  Sunday. 


4 


5 


6 


7 


8 


iWtia^ 
9 


^aturoa^ 
10 


October,  1492 — Columbus  soaks 
Queen  Isabella's  jewelry  and  starts 
out  to  discover  America. 


October  9,  1907—Czar*s  life  at- 
tempted. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


/      With  all  th'  big  men  high  up  in  public 

Clife  endorsin'  Peruna  it  must  be  purty  dis- 
couragin'  t'  th'  W.  C.  T.  U. 


Th'  worst  feature  of  a  new  baby  is  it's 
mother's  singin'. 


October 


After  a  feller  gits  famous  it  don^t  take 
long  fer  some  one  t'  bob  up  that  used  t' 
set  by  him  at  school. 


11 


12 


13 


14 


®t)ttr0l>a^ 
15 


iFritiai? 
16 


&atttrDa^ 
17 


TAKE  NO  CHANCES 

"It  doesn't  cost  anything  to  be 
courteous,"  is  an  old  saying,  but  if 
somebody  asks  you  what  time  it  is 
on  a  dark,  back  street,  guess  at  it. 


It  was  never  intended  that  sal- 
aries and  wages  should  keep  pace 
with  the  cost  of  getting  soused. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Nothin'  sounds  as  flat  as  an  extempo- 
raneous speech  when  you  read  it  in  th' 
paper. 

Miss  Germ  Williams  is  ambitious  f  be 
th'  wart  an'  mole  editress  of  a  woman's 
journal. 

Ther's  a  fat  boy  in  ever'  town. 

Breakfast  foods  have  done  a  great  deal 
toward  ^'buildin'  up"  magazines. 


Young  Lafe  Bud  says  he'd  hate  t'  be  in 
charge  o'  th'  wing  counter  when  some 
women  git  t'  heaven. 


October 


18 


The  following  speech  was  delivered  at  Larue, 
Ohio,  from  the  rear  platform  of  a  special  train,  by 
U.  S.  Senator  Clem  Jones : 

"My  friends,  I  regret  that  I  have  only  five  min- 
utes to  talk  to  you.  [Great  applause.]  I  deem  it  a 
great  pleasure  to  be  permitted  to  address  the  good 
citizens  of  the  prosperous  capital  of  old  Marion  [at 
this  point  the  Senator's  secretary  reminded  him  that 
it  was  not  a  county-seat] — or,  I  mean,  so  near  a 
prosperous  capital.  This  morning,  under  benignant 
skies,  I  consider  it  one  of  the  most  pleasant  events 
of  my  life  to  be  able  to  speak  at  the  home  of  my  old 
and  distinguished  friend,  Judge  Pusey  [at  this  point 
the  Senator's  secretary  called  his  attention  to  the 
fact  that  Judge  Pusey  lives  at  Bucyrus] — of  your 
neighboring  city  of  Bucyrus.  It  is  a  special  privi- 
lege to  be  permitted  on  this  auspicious  occasion  to 
remind  you  that  the  coming  com- 
bat for  supremacy  by  the  two 
great  political  parties  of  this  pros- 
perous nation  [at  this  point  the 
secretary  reminded  the  Senator 
that  the  fall  election  was  a  state 
election]  that  comes  one  year  from 
this  November — or,  I  should  say, 
last  November,  or,  I  mean,  No- 
vember two  years  hence — is  of 
such  great  importance  to  those  en- 
gaged in  farming  the  wide  fields 
of  old  Hardin  County  [at  this 
point  the  Senator  was  reminded 
that  he  was  still  in  Marion  Coun- 
ty]— and  old  Marion  County,  that 
I  warn  you  to  think  well  before 
casting  that  most  sacred  of  all 
things,  your  ballot. 

"You  should  point  with  pride  to  ] 
the  magnificent  factory  on  my  left,  / 
and  thank  the  grand  old  Repub- 
lican party  that  such  concerns  are 
allowed  to  prosper   [Hisses.     At 


19 


20 


21 


22 


i?ntja^ 

23 


24 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


/this  point  the  secretary  whispered  to  the  Senator 

/  that  the  factory  had  been  closed  for  three  years  and 

/  had  bankrupted  every  citizen  of  the  town] — all  over 

Lour  broad  land.    I  want  to  say  one  word  more  about 

our  unparalleled  prosperity.      [At  this  point  the 

Senator's  attention  was  called  to  the  fact  that  his 

time  was  up,  and  the  train  pulled  out.]" 


October 


Uncle  Seth  How,  of  Urbana,  Ohio,  is 
visitin'  'mongst  his  kin  here.  He  is  ninety- 
five  years  ole,  an*  looks  as  straight  an'  spry 
as  a  life-long  Dimmycrat. 


y-^ 


25 


26 


27 


28 


29 


i?ntia^ 

30 


81 


DOCTOR  MOPPS 

Doctor  Mopps  was  born  at  Cha- 
grin Falls,  Ohio,  in  1825.  At  the 
close  of  a  common  school  educa- 
tion he  took  up  the  study  of  sur- 
gery, hanging  paper  and  kalso- 
mining  through  the  summer 
months.  His  professional  career 
began  at  Toledo,  Ohio,  where  he 
was  employed  as  a  meat  cutter  in 
a  hotel.  This  was  the  beginning 
of  his  luxuriant  whiskers,  which 
continued  to  thrive  throughout  his 
long,  notable  career.  Drifting 
from  Toledo,  he  became  an  ad- 
juster for  an  odd  change  restau- 
rant at  St.  Louis,  which  position 
he  held  until  the  close  of  the  war. 
After  selling  electric  belts  for 
some  years,  he  settled  in  Brown 
County,  Indiana,  where  he  con- 
ducts a  livery  stable  and  a  hearse. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


There^s  alius  a  good  news  item  lurkin' 
'round  a  barrel  o'  gasoline. 


«ft 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  is  savin'  a  scan- 
dal till  her  card  club  meets. 


^ 


Women  seem  t'  be  all  right  on  bargains 
till  it  comes  t'  pickin'  out  a  husband. 


Many  a  man  tries  t'  figure  that  hain't 
one,  two,  three. 


November 


\^l,  '\. 


1 


2 


®ttt0tjai? 

3 


^etine0tia^ 
4 


©Ijurs^a^ 
5 


ifriiia^ 
6 


^aturDa^ 
7 


OCTOBER  23  TO  NOVEMBER  22 

Sign  of  Scorpio  (the  Scorpion) 

No  overcoat, 
No  money, 
November. 

The  Romans  loaned  out  the 
threatening  month  of  October  on 
royalty  to  the  red  planet  Mars,  as- 
sembling a  number  of  exclusive 
features  and  holding  a  street  fair 
to  this  god  of  war  on  the  nine- 
teenth day,  called  Armilustrium 
Day. 

Persons  born  during  the  latter 
half  of  October  or  the  first  half  of 
November  draw  unto  themselves 
the  vibratory  influence  of  the  sign 
of  Scorpio,  indicating  a  moody,  de- 
termined nature  that  doesn't  over- 
look any  bets.  The  larger,  the 
more  daring  the  scheme  with  which 
these  people  connect  themselves,  the 


Abe  Martin's  Almanac 


greater  their  per  cent.  They  often  conceive  and] 
manage  great  charity  entertainments  and  push  thenaj 
to  a  successful  finish  without  a  cent  of  capital,  being 
content  to  wait  and  take  four-fifths  of  the  receipts 
for  their  services.  It  matters  little  what  kind  of  a 
scheme  the  Scorpio  heirs  launch,  as  long  as  they 
stand  at  the  door  and  handle  the  money.  Theirs  is 
the  motto  of  Lucifer  himself :  ''Better  be  the  whole 
thing  in  a  town  like  Urbana,  Ohio,  than  a  resident 
of  Newark,  New  Jersey."  As  inconsistent  as  it  may 
seem,  it  is  not  for  lack  of  refinement  and  gentle 
blood  that  the  Scorpio  born  would  rather  stand  and 
watch  the  passing  throng  through  the  latticed  door 
of  a  saloon  than  join  in  the  festivities. 

Naturally,  the  women  of  this  sign  are  a  shade 
better  than  the  men,  but  they  gall  under  restraint 
and  possess  an  inborn  aversion  to  anything  savoring 
of  housework.  The  Texas  Panhandle  or  the  Ninth 
District  of  Pennsylvania  or  any  part  of  the  Third 
climate  are  preferable  localities  for  the  Scorpio 
heirs. 


November 


Th'  promoter  of  a  fake  scheme  is  alius 
well  dressed  an'  affable. 


After  th'  average  Sunday  excursionist 
finds  a  restaurant  that's  cheap  enough  t' 
suit  him,  it's  time  t'  go  home. 


8 


^ontia^ 
9 


10 


11 


tETljursftia^ 
12 


iFriUa^ 
13 


^atttttiai? 
14 


"Necessity  is  the  richest  inher- 
itance," but  by  the  time  you  can 
afford  to  indulge  in  most  of  the 
pleasures  of  life  you  will  be  too 
old  to  wear  a  plaid  suit. 


I 


Abe  Martinis  Almanack 

/     Rockyfeller  makes  a  good  fugitive.  He 
kin  go  ten  days  on  one  sody  cracker. 


/^     Frost  killed   a  performance  o'   East 
{      Lynne  at  Melodeon  hall  last  night. 


November 


A  druggist  kin  tell  a  cocaine  fiend  jist 
as  soon  as  he  comes  up  t'  th'  counter  an' 
asks  for  it. 


15 


16 


17 


18 


19 


20 


^aturtiai? 
21 


YOUR  DEN 

If  you  contemplate  building  a 
home,  make  it  very  clear  to  your 
architect  that  the  furnace  room 
must  be  equipped  with  all  modern 
conveniences,  making  it  as  attract- 
ive and  inviting  as  possible.  You 
will  spend  much  of  your  time 
there. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

/  Tipton  Bud  has  had  meat  at  his  home 
/  twice  this  month.  He  says  he  don't  expect 
/      to  save  anything  till  times  git  worse. 

Th'  teutonic  disturbances  on  th'  Lux- 
emburg frontier  is  just  another  argyment 
in  favor  o'  high  license. 


Th*  ole  fashioned  woman  that  used  f 
roll  up  her  sleeves  an'  pitch  in  has  been 
supplanted  by  her  daughter  who  wears 
rubber  gloves. 

IM  hate  t'  live  in  Indynoplus  where  th' 
1^  funerals  trot. 

e^ots  o'  blamed  lazy  farmers  chew  an* 
)ke  that  never  "touch  th'  weed." 


r. 

I 


November 


I  never  seen  a'  "athletic  glrP'  that 
thought  she  wuz  strong  enough  t'  do  in- 
door work.  '^ 


O 


UNCLE  NILES  TURNER 


22 


£pon^a^ 
23 


24 


25 


26 


27 


28 


Uncle  Niles  Turner  was  one 
hundred  and  one  years  old  on  the 
twenty-second  day  of  November. 
He  was  well  acquainted  with  La- 
fayette and  Aaron  Burr,  and  says 
he  would  be  one  hundred  and  fifty 
years  old  if  he  had  abstained  from 
the  use  of  tobacco. 


November  28, 
attertipted. 


1907— Czar's  life 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Miss  Pet  Plum  will  enter  th'  beauty 
contest  bein'  conducted  by  th'  Round- 
head, Ohio,  Bugle-Gazette.  Miss  Plum 
is  a  dark  bay,  an'  th'  poet  might  say — 

Her  head  is  like  th'  Autumn  wind — 
She  has  th'  winsome  peacock's  eye. 

Her  complexion  is  dark  pink  like  th' 
true  mother  o'  pearl,  changin'  like  a  cha- 
meleon with  her  varyin'  moods.  She  has 
an  alkali  nose  an'  a  dimple  on  her  chin 
caused  by  f  allin'  on  a  stump  when  a  child. 
Her  head  is  crowned  by  a  mass  o'  superb 
hair — now  dark  brown,  now  yaller,  jist  as 
she  takes  a  notion.  Miss  Plum  is  six  feet 
two  an'  weighs  eighty-five  pounds  an'  has 
a  beautiful  willowy  carriage. 


November 


A  good  provider  alius  has  a  good  ap- 
petite. 


THE    FIRELESS    COOKER 

To  make  a  fireless  cooker,  first  procure  a  large 
candy  bucket  and  paint  it  some  cheerful  color. 
Then  purchase  a  three-quart  granite  vessel  and  an 
armful  of  hay.  Chop  the  hay  in  an  ordinary  wooden 
chopping  bowl.  Then  place  the  granite  vessel  in  the 
center  of  the  bucket  and  pack  the  chopped  hay 
tightly  about  it.  Then  put  your  beans  on  an  ordi- 
nary gas  range  or  stove  and  allow 
them  to  come  to  a  boil.  Then  pour 
them  in  the  granite  vessel,  cover 
the  top  with  a  felt  pad  and  secure 
the  lid.  Then  you  can  hang  over 
the  back  fence  and  gossip  or  go  to 
a  matinee.  By  five  p.  m.  your  sup- 
per will  be  ready.  After  our  pros- 
perity begins  to  wane,  boiling-meat 
may  be  prepared  in  the  same  man- 
ner. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Ther's  still  a  fair  "demand  fer  fifty-cent 
shirts  in  spite  of  our  marvelous  prosper- 
ity. 


It's  purty  hard  fer  an  assessor  t'  git  any 


pomters/ 


«t 


If  buttermilk  jist  had  a  little  inspira- 
tion in  it  what  a  great  summer  drink  it 
would  make. 


Pinky  Kerr  says  Urbana  is  a  town  in 
Ohio  where  "Uncle  Josh  Spruceby" 
played  twice  in  one  season. 


December 


1 


2 


tE^l^tttflfDa^ 
8 


iFritm^ 


5 


NOVEMBER  22  to  DECEMBER  21 

Sign  of  Sagittarius  (the  Archer) 

The  Romans  dedicated  the 
month  of  torchlight  processions, 
mud  slinging  and  elections  to  the 
bounteous  Diana,  celebrating  the 
fourteenth  day  in  her  honor.  ,^ 

People  entering  life  during  the     >y 
latter  half  of   November  or   the 
earlier  half  of  December  take  their 
inheritance  from  the  sign  Sagitta- 
rius, indicating  that  they  will  be 
what  is  commonly  known  as  "plain     > 
spoken"  people.    The  heirs  of  thi»^^ 
sign  will  be  equipped  with  indom-    ^ 
itable  energy  and  a  distressing  pro- 
pensity   to    spread    out    and    do 
things.     This  unflagging  and  per- 
sistent activity  is  generally  incom- 
prehensible  to    the   innocent   by- 
standers, and  they  will  gather  in 
little  knots  in  the  corridors  of  the 
court-house  and  predict  the  ulti- 
mate failure  of  such  a  pace. 


/ 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


/T\it  Sagittarius  heirs  insist  that  wrongs  must  be 
righted  as  soon  as  they  are  discovered;  projects 
must  be  put  through  the  same  day  they  bob  up. 
/  Thus  they  are  often  intolerant  to  those  who  are  less 
I  practical  and  executive  than  themselves.  Their  im- 
pulsive efforts  confuse  others,  and  their  inclination 
to  be  the  whole  thing  renders  any  concerted  move- 
ment impossible.  They  inherit  a  feverish  physical 
unrest  that  craves  the  freedom  of  space  and  the  in- 
toxication of  motion,  and  they  are  next  to  insane  on 
the  question  of  publicity  and  children.  President 
Roosevelt  was  probably  born  under  the  sign  of 
V  Sagittarius  or  in  the  immediate  vicinity. 

The  flower  of  Sagittarius  is  the  goldenrod,  which 
is  liable  to  be  found  growing  along  any  dusty  coun- 
try road,  its  democratic  nature  caring  little  for  en- 
vironment. 


V 


December 


DIRECTIONS  FOR  BUYING  'S  TOURING 
CAR 

First  mortgage  your  home.  Then  visit  the  various 
dealers  and  tell  them  that  you  wish  to  purchase  at 
the  least  possible  figure  a  touring  car  combining  all 
the  modern  features — break-and-make  ignition,  four 
speed  selective  transmissions,  military  fenders, 
thirty  horse-power,  eight  cylinders,  perfect  balance, 
sealed  coil,  high  tension  magneto,  double  switch,  de- 
tachable tonneau  and  full  set  of  Gabriel  horns. 
After  the  purchase  is  made,  select  some  good,  re- 
liable, sober  fellow  to  look  after  your  business  af- 
fairs. 

When  you  get  out  of  the  hospital  you  can  trade 
the  machine  in  on  a  cigar  stand  or  news  depot,  pay- 
ing the  balance  at  the  rate  of  two 
or  three  dollars  per  week  until  you 
get  back  on  a  paying  basis. 

A   second    mortgage    on   your 
home  v/ill  pay  the  doctor*s  bill. 


6 


7 


8 


9 


10 


11 


^aturua^ 
12 


Even  a  ticket  taker  at  a  ball 
park  can  be  a  gentleman. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

/  Prof.  Alex  Tansey,  our  school  teacher, 
wuz  discussin'  th'  weighin'  o'  th'  human 
soul.  He  says  it  reminds  him  of  a'  epi- 
sode in  his  old  home  town,  Angoly,  when 
a  party  o'  local  scientists  tried  t'  weigh  a 
bung-hole  by  first  weighin'  th'  barrel. 


Young  Lafe  Bud  says  he  alius  hates  f 
git  his  hair  cut  cause  it  makes  his  hat 
look  so  old. 

Mr.  Dallas  Crane,  whose  essay,  "We 
Have  Left  th'  Bay  an'  th'  Ocean  Lies  Be- 
fore Us,"  made  such  a  wonderful  impres- 
sion at  the  com.mencement  last  spring,  has 
a  fine  position  drivin'  a  dressed  poultry 
wagon  at  Cleveland,  Ohio. 


December 


PSYCHIC    PHENOMENA    / 

Dream  lore  is  placed  under  the  head  of  psychic 
phenomena.  The  student  of  present-day  psychology 
and  other  scientific  people  are  not  inclined  to  give 
much  thought  to  the  varied  influences  of  dreams, 
yet  many  instances  are  shown  of  prophetic  warnings 
which  seem  almost  incredible. 

Mrs.  Sam  Rudder,  of  11117  South  Canal  street, 
Zanesfield,  Ohio,  dreamed  that  her  husband,  who  is 
a  Big  Four  passenger  engineer,  had  arrived  safely 
from  his  run  and  stood  talking  to  friends  in  the 
roundhouse.  She  arose  and  frantically  grabbed  the 
telephone.  Ordering  an  automobile,  she  hurried  to 
the  railroad  yards,  where  she  found  her  husband 
safe  and  sound. 


13 


14 


®ue0tia^ 
15 


16 


tErijur0J3a^ 
17 


ifrioa^ 
18 


^acutija^ 
19 


Prof.  Hiram  Smith,  dean  of  a 
college  at  Bloom  Center,  Ohio, 
dreamed  that  he  had  been  attacked 
by  a  cat.  He  called  to  his  wife, 
who  ran  to  the  kitchen  to  get  his 
revolver,  and  there  discovered  the 
coffee-pot  filled  with  kittens. 

In  a  fearful  dream  two  weeks 
ago.  Miss  Cyril  Jones,  whose 
grandfather  is  117  years  old,  was 
foretold  that  he  could  not  live 
much  longer.  To-day  he  is  con- 
fined to  his  room. — Springfield, 
111.,  Despatch. 

Mrs.  Winifred  Conklin,  a  very 
w^ealthy  Indianapolis  widow,  was 
awakened  in  her  richly  furnished 
flat  on  October  10,  1906,  in  a  ter- 
ribly nervous  condition.  She  had 
dreamed  that  it  was  daylight,  and 
that  the  janitor  was  scrubbing  the 
marble  steps.    She  rushed  madly 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


to  the  window,  and  the  sun  was  shining  brightly, 
but  the  janitor  had  not  shown  up. 


December 


*^A  diamond  seals  th'  bargain  an'  a 
plain  ring  ties  th'  knot" — an'  that's  jist  th' 
beginnin'  o'  th'  holdup. 


20 


21 


22 


23 


tIPt)ui:0t)a^ 
24 


25 


£^aturt)a^ 

26 


To  dream  of  rhubarb  denotes 
that  you  are  of  a  jovial  nature  and 
will  stand  for  most  anything.  To 
dream  of  eating  it  means  that  you 
are  failing  mentally. 


December  22- 
7  p.  M.  to-day. 


-Winter  begins  at 


December,  1777  —  Washington 
goes  into  winter  quarters  at  Valley 
Forge  and  organizes  the  first  anvil 
chorus. 


December  25,  1907- 
attempted. 


-Czar's  life 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


A  pass  on  th'  scenic  railway  is  th'  best 
an  editor  kin  do  these  days. 


Pinky  Kerr,  who  is  travelin'  with  a 
repertory  company,  writes  t'  his  aunt  here 
that  a  contortionist  an'  a  horizontal  bar 
team  joined  th'  troupe  at  Bucyrus,  Ohio, 
an'  now  they  have  one  o'  th'  strongest  dra- 
matic companies  on  th'  road. 


December 


When  you  once  begin  t'  age  a  dyed 
mustache  an*  a  toupee  won't  save  you. 


Th'  feller  that  would  rather  smoke  a 
pipe  any  time  than  a  se-gar  alius  takes  a 
fifteen-cent  drink  when  somebody  sets 
'em  up. 


27 


28 


t!fue0Ua^ 
29 


30 

tlTliurfiDa^ 
31 


To  dream  of  seeing  turkeys  with 
plug  hats  on  playing  lawn  tennis 
is  a  sign  you  will  have  to  cut  your 
booze  out. 


December  30  —  The  Legless 
Pencil  Venders  of  America  meet 
in  convention  at  Chillicothe,  Ohio. 


14  DAY  USE 

RETURN  TO  DESK  FROM  WHICH  BORROWED 

LOAN  DEPT, 

This  book  is  due  on  the  last  date  stamped  below,  or 

on  the  date  to  which  renewed. 

Renewed  books  are  subjert  to  immediate  recall. 


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RCC'D  LP 


FCD  2  2  1961 


LD  21-100m-6,'56 
(B9311sl0)476 


General  Library 

University  of  California 

Berkeley 


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U  08742 


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THE  UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


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